World's Stoooopidest Jokes!
- Thread starter iamasaint
- Start date
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A boy has a bowl of green beans & red beans, mixed together...
He tosses the bowl of beans up into the air...
Quicky takes another bowl out,
& all the red beans fall into the left bowl, all the green beans fall into the right bowl...
How did he do that???
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Scroll down only if you're too weak to punch me... ;p
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Answer:
Because he's lucky...
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He tosses the bowl of beans up into the air...
Quicky takes another bowl out,
& all the red beans fall into the left bowl, all the green beans fall into the right bowl...
How did he do that???
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Scroll down only if you're too weak to punch me... ;p
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Answer:
Because he's lucky...
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Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent
to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori: Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori: Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.
Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan (dont have any idea on how to alternatively spell
The name) is my sis!
Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!?
Look I got work to do and if im feeling mischievous Ill broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody becos i havent screw her yet. how bout that!
Toot....Toot....Toot.................
Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent
to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori: Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori: Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.
Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan (dont have any idea on how to alternatively spell
The name) is my sis!
Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!?
Look I got work to do and if im feeling mischievous Ill broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody becos i havent screw her yet. how bout that!
Toot....Toot....Toot.................
Question : How to tell if a person is a photographer?
Answer : Give him a pornograpgy photograph and he will commenting on the lightings and the composure ;P.
Answer : Give him a pornograpgy photograph and he will commenting on the lightings and the composure ;P.
Someone told me that this is actually a true story that happened at Tan Tock Seng, during the SARS epidemic....
Male Patient with face mask on, lying in bed: "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Nurse: "errr....no sir, they aren't."
Two hours later and the nurse returns to that same patient and the patient asks again..."Missy, are my testicles black?"
Nurse, getting a little fustrated: "No they aren't! Jeeezzzz"
Two hours later....
"Nurse ah, are my testicles black?"
Nurse: "Hi ya...ok la, ok la...I check for you la..."
So she lifts his blanket and changed his mask, at the same time, and told him;
"Hi ya. Normal what. Where got black??!!!"
Patient: "Nurse ah....Are my TEST RESULTS BACK??"
:sweatsm: :bsmilie: :sweatsm:
Male Patient with face mask on, lying in bed: "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Nurse: "errr....no sir, they aren't."
Two hours later and the nurse returns to that same patient and the patient asks again..."Missy, are my testicles black?"
Nurse, getting a little fustrated: "No they aren't! Jeeezzzz"
Two hours later....
"Nurse ah, are my testicles black?"
Nurse: "Hi ya...ok la, ok la...I check for you la..."
So she lifts his blanket and changed his mask, at the same time, and told him;
"Hi ya. Normal what. Where got black??!!!"
Patient: "Nurse ah....Are my TEST RESULTS BACK??"
:sweatsm: :bsmilie: :sweatsm:
gonna revive this thread...got some more quality jokes to share! Hahahha
----
A KINDERGARTEN pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
---
A WOMAN apparently loves growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she met the chap next door, who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes.
She asked the chap, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?"
He responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, she was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato crop to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the chap was passing by and asked her, "By the way, how did you make out? ... Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
-----
A GUY goes into a chemist and asks if they sell deodorant.
"Certainly sir," says the assistant. "Ball or aerosol?"
"Well its for under my arms actually!" he replies.
-----
A MILD-MANNERED man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read from cover to cover on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
"Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The bloody funeral director," said his wife.
---
A STRANGER was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane. The stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
----
A KINDERGARTEN pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
---
A WOMAN apparently loves growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she met the chap next door, who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes.
She asked the chap, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?"
He responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, she was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato crop to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the chap was passing by and asked her, "By the way, how did you make out? ... Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
-----
A GUY goes into a chemist and asks if they sell deodorant.
"Certainly sir," says the assistant. "Ball or aerosol?"
"Well its for under my arms actually!" he replies.
-----
A MILD-MANNERED man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read from cover to cover on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
"Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The bloody funeral director," said his wife.
---
A STRANGER was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane. The stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
This is class...
THERE was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
----
So corny it hurts!
THERE was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
----
So corny it hurts!
Here is a good one....
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader aof China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leadinag China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I"m telling you Hu is leading China
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi, I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi:
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
'Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No, but now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir!. The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy in the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks ups the phone) Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader aof China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leadinag China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I"m telling you Hu is leading China
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi, I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi:
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
'Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No, but now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir!. The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy in the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks ups the phone) Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Just got this through email..
Actual(!) Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Actual(!) Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
--------
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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