Jokes Thread

[Aim]

A Japanese man who went to London sightseeing.
On the final day of his holiday, he called a cab to the airport.
During the journey, a Nissan drove past the cab.
Thereupon, the man leaned forward excitedly and shouted, "Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota zoomed past the cab.
Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and shouted, " Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the cab.
For the third time, the the man leaned forward excitedly and shouted, ", Mitsubishi! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little irritated, but he kept quiet... this went on for quite some time.
Finally, the cab arrived at the airport.
The fare was £150... The Japanese man exclaimed, "Wah?... so expensive!"
The driver replied, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

 

[Shizuma]

we need more jokes...already 13 days without jokes. Come on CS ! Making everyone laugh is a social responsibility!

 

[UncleFai]

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

 

[Foxshade]

When I reached office from a meeting outside, a non IT colleague approached me to tell me this story.

User A was looking for you. She said her PC spoil, cannot be turned on.
Trying to make her point, user A showed my non IT colleague that no matter how she pressed the power button, the computer refused to power up.

Giggling, my non IT colleague told me: "This is the power button she pressed." while pointing to the DVD ROM tray button.

 

[oceanpriest]

When I reached office from a meeting outside, a non IT colleague approached me to tell me this story.

User A was looking for you. She said her PC spoil, cannot be turned on.
Trying to make her point, user A showed my non IT colleague that no matter how she pressed the power button, the computer refused to power up.

Giggling, my non IT colleague told me: "This is the power button she pressed." while pointing to the DVD ROM tray button.

did she know the button she pressed is to open the coffee cup holder? :bsmilie:

 

[Aim]

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.


Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.


Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.


Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.


Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.


Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.


Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.


Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want


Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.


Confucius Say: Don't take my words too seriously, sometimes I get confused too ...

 

[UncleFai]

[youtube]7BOWOMPUbvE[/youtube]

 

[Shizuma]

When I reached office from a meeting outside, a non IT colleague approached me to tell me this story.

User A was looking for you. She said her PC spoil, cannot be turned on.
Trying to make her point, user A showed my non IT colleague that no matter how she pressed the power button, the computer refused to power up.

Giggling, my non IT colleague told me: "This is the power button she pressed." while pointing to the DVD ROM tray button.

when I was an intern in a SME IT/ System Integrator company,
me, another intern, 2 fully qualified engineers, and towkay-neo
all troubleshot the network printer which refused to print

we pinged it
we tracert-ed it...
we read the manual three times...each.

after 2 weeks we discovered
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
printer LAN cable disconnected from hub.

*clap hands*

(and I hope none of the company's clients ever found out about this story...)

 

[kkgoxplore]

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

. . . Rodney Dangerfield

 

[kkgoxplore]

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

. . . Rodney Dangerfield

 

[Foxshade]

did she know the button she pressed is to open the coffee cup holder? :bsmilie:

To be a successful IT, you gotta pull a straight face and say: It's a design fault. The power button is too near to the cup holder button.

You'll get flying colors during review from users' feedback.

 

[kkgoxplore]

Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex . . .

#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beer.

#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7. Foursomes are encouraged.

#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5. Three times a day is possible.

#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3. It you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

#1. If you equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

. . . David Letterman

 

[oceanpriest]

when I was an intern in a SME IT/ System Integrator company,
me, another intern, 2 fully qualified engineers, and towkay-neo
all troubleshot the network printer which refused to print

we pinged it
we tracert-ed it...
we read the manual three times...each.

after 2 weeks we discovered
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
printer LAN cable disconnected from hub.

*clap hands*

(and I hope none of the company's clients ever found out about this story...)

did your supervisor hit your head? :bsmilie:

 

[oceanpriest]

To be a successful IT, you gotta pull a straight face and say: It's a design fault. The power button is too near to the cup holder button.

You'll get flying colors during review from users' feedback.

and all users will believe that the internet doesn't weight anything :bsmilie:

 

[sgciti55]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

[kkgoxplore]

Medical College Professor to a girl student: "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size?"

Girl Student: "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarassing.

Professor asked the same question to a Male Student."

Male Student: "It's the Pupil of an human eye."

Professor: "Correct."

Then Professor turned to the female student and said, "Listen baby, Not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high..."

 

[Shizuma]

did your supervisor hit your head? :bsmilie:

no need for that...plus it was almost impossible for my supt to hit me on the head.

each of us were all face-palming ourselves.
no free hands.

 

[kkgoxplore]

To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.

. . . Jerry Sinfeld

 

[petetherock]

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Enterologists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said "This puts a whole new face on the matter."..
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

[Aim]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's the scenerio.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted the baby by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his butt again!'