Jokes Thread

[asthio88]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

[asthio88]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

 

[asthio88]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

[asthio88]

Ancient Chinese WISDOM

Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Man replies:
It's very simple
Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!

 

[lotus80]

Difference between a girlfriend and a wife ... 20 kilos

 

[kei1309]

Men Are Like...
Men are like...Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like...Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like...Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like...Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like...Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.

Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like...High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like...Curling Irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.

Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like...Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like...Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like...Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like...Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like...Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like...Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like...Laxatives. They irritate the **** out of you.

Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.

Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they're plugged into a genius!!

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

 

[kei1309]

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.



Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

 

[UncleFai]

A father and his son was at a golf course.

The son missed his shot and he exclaimed "F@€%! MISSED THE BA$T%RD!"

His preacher dad was shocked and said, "Son! Do not say that for God will punish you!"

At the next hole, it happened again. Again the son exclaimed "F@€%! MISSED THE BA$T%RD!" Again the preacher father warned his son.

Then at final hole, again the son missed again and again he exclaimed "F@€%! MISSED THE BA$T%RD!"

This time before the father can say anything, the sky suddenly turned dark and all of a sudden a bolt of lightning came down and struck... the preacher father! Before the shocked son could react, a thunderous voice from above cried

"F@€%! MISSED THE BA$T%RD!"

 

[Shizuma]

A preacher was itching for a round of golf on Sunday morning so he called up his deputy and called in sick.

At the golf course the preacher was having a great game! He birdied and eagled alternate holes and on the 18th he even made a hole-in-one, a historic record for the club!

As the preacher raised his eyes to the Heavens to give thanks, an angel asked God, "Why did You give this preacher such a great game?"
God replied "Who would he boast about this to?"

 

[Shizuma]

Classic Photography Joke (no offense to Nikon users)

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

[asthio88]

Why English is weird and tough:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22. How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

23. If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

24. If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

25. Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

26. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

27. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

28. What is another word for "thesaurus"?

29. Is there another word for a synonym?

30. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

31. Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

32. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

33. Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

34. Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

36. Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

 

[asthio88]

A wife takes her old, hard of hearing husband to the doctor for a physical.

The doc says "Take off your shirt."

The old guy asks his wife "What did he say?"

She tells him "Take off your shirt."

The doc checks him over then says "Take off your pants."

The guy looks to his wife and she says "TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS."

The doc says "I want a urine, stool and semen specimen."

The guy again asks "What?"

The wife says "He wants to see your shorts."

 

[asthio88]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ******* before prison..................

 

[asthio88]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son.

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,"Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.

Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

 

[asthio88]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[digitalpimp]

An old couple are doing yard work but midway through, the wife decides to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it.

He yells up to his wife, "Where's the rake?".

She can't hear--she replies by shaking her head.

So the husband points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabs her left breast, slaps her ass, and then rubs her crotch.

Bewildered, he runs up stairs and asks, "What?!?".

She says, "I left tit behind the bush!".

 

[digitalpimp]

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper that was asking for a man who: 1) Would treat her nicely, 2) Wouldn't run away from her, 3) Would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed and there was no reply from any man. She just figured there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

The man said, "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.".

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?".

The man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?".

 

[fmeeran]

"Book of Marriage"

A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffer-ring

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone
knows why. When a ten-year married couple
smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So
I got two girlfriends.

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls
home to say he'll be late for dinner, and the
answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared
for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought
jewelry.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?" His father replied,
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he
decided not to report it because the thief was
spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man
from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who
is packing your parachute.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the
neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new
or the wife.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something a woman said. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before she finished.

 

[fmeeran]

"Drinking Guide for the Holidays"

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points
toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with
fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt
is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain
about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of
empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to
another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful
aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded
personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth. Quickly.

 

[asthio88]

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.