EXPOSE yourself - XI

[zac08]

The New Priest:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[zac08]

1st Scene . . .

Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their little
son.
Daddy : Oh!!! You Bitch!
Mommy : What?? You *******!
Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and *******??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen, Son.
Son : Oh I see!

2nd Scene . . .
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there
they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'.
Mommy was reading the papers.
Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something
to say.
Mommy : It means coats and hats, Son.
Son :Oh I see!

3rd Scene . . .
Daddy was shaving his beard and Son passed by the toilet. Suddenly,
Daddy cut himself and screamed . . .
Daddy : "OH ****!!"
Son : "Daddy, what's ****?"
At this moment, Daddy's eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something
to say.
Daddy : It means shaving cream, Son.
Son : Oh I see

4th Scene . . .
Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey into the
stove.
The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said . . .
Mommy : Oh ****!
Son : Mommy, what's ****?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy : It means stuffing, Son.
Son : Oh I see!

5th Scene . . .
It's Christmas eve! Little Son exuberantly opened the door to let all is
uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly, he said . . .
Son : Welcome in, *******s and Bitches! Please put all your breasts
and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are busy at the
moment.You see, Daddy is putting **** on his face upstairs and Mommy
is ****ing the turkey in the kitchen, but don't worry, they'll be out
here in a minute!!

 

[zac08]

Man Falls Asleep At Church


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[zac08]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[zac08]

A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

 

[Dream Merchant]

jIA yu Zac!

1K1K1K YEAAAA!!!

:cheergal::vhappy::cheergal::vhappy::cheergal:

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

 

[Leong23]

ups ups ups

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say to the air, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.


seems suitable for us.... hahah

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

 

[zac08]

Things to do in the elevator

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"

 

[zac08]

And it's time to close this thread...

HOPE you had an enjoyable time here with the EXPOSERS....

the next thread is coming right up.....