Just for laughs

[Hitman]

Feel free to post the jokes that you guys and gals have come across... Here's one:

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

The phone rang and she answers it, next moment she came back and smacks him again. "What was that for?" he asks.

"Your horse just called."

 

[Venom81]

:bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie:

 

[rainman]

Feel free to post the jokes that you guys and gals have come across... Here's one:

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

The phone rang and she answers it, next moment she came back and smacks him again. "What was that for?" he asks.

"Your horse just called."

haha thats a good 1 to wake me up!

 

[dzulhjdzaid]

HAHAHAH...berry funny man...hehehehhee.. :thumbsup:

 

[Hitman]

Here's another, have a nice weekend

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh."
Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one on TV lor."
Beng: "Okay lah, okay lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Koazz!! Put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

 

[Drudkh]

Here's another, have a nice weekend

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh."
Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one on TV lor."
Beng: "Okay lah, okay lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Koazz!! Put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

hahahaha.. good one. :bsmilie:

 

[poh6702]

:bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie:

 

[Hitman]

Aiyo, how come nobody interested in contributing jokes ah? Anyway, here's another one....

A drunk man gets into a taxi,

Drunk man,"Take me to Fullerton Hotel please."
Taxi-driver,"But sir, you're already at Fullerton Hotel."
Drunk man (takes out $20 and gives to the taxi driver),"Next time don't drive so fast."

One more....

Mary: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

Harry: "A little. What's wrong?"

Mary: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

Harry: "How did you load the sheet?"

Mary: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

 

[afbug]

1 day, an old lady saw her daughter making love on the sofa.

Feeling the urge, she went home and strip herself naked and lie on the sofa.

Her short sighted husband came home.

She said: 'Hi dear! Do i look nice and sexy?'

He replied: 'Your dress needs ironing!'

 

[agentmonkey]

I've got a series of pretty lame jokes here that have gotten me quite umm..badly bruised after i told em to my friends...

what did the termite say when it walked into a bar? "Is the bar tender here?"

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing

what do you a call a cow with two legs? lean beef! so what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef! so what do you call a dog with no legs?NOTHING! it won't come anyway

(not sure if this is appropriate) why was the squirrel resting on its stomach?to warm
its nuts!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny

 

[agentmonkey]

What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car

 

[footprints]

An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

 

[Hitman]

Thanks for sharing, guys. Here's more....

Two guys are out hunting deer...
The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!" "Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing to the pile of sh*t behind them.
By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

 

[Koolpixel]

Happened to read this joke somwhere from the internet, share with you guys.

Microsoft Cars
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

 

[singscott]

Happened to read this joke somwhere from the internet, share with you guys.

Microsoft Cars
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE

MAn that Funny :bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie:

 

[Koolpixel]

Here's another for the laughs :bsmilie:

Ten Commandments in Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand - huge money man!!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.

That is why some wives treats the husband like toxic waste or visa versa.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment Story:
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The
husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled; "It really works!"

 

[ndroo]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.


Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[Hitman]

Keep'em coming guys....

Bush, LKY, Blair and Osama were on an airplane....

The plane malfunction and is about to crash and there are only 3 parachutes on board, so LKY said,"Let's do this, I'll ask each of you a question, if you can't answer, there'll be no parachute for you." The other 3 agreed and here goes:

LKY to Bush: "How many sun are there in the sky?"

Bush: "One." He took a parachute and off he goes.

LKY asked Blair next:"How many moon are there in the sky?"

Blair: "One." He took a parachute and off he goes.

It's Osama's turn and LKY ask:"How many stars are there in the sky?"

Osama was stunned, he cannot answer the question so LL have to jump off the plane without parachute. But luckily he landed in the sea and was saved.

A second time round, all 4 was on board a plane again, and the plane malfunction again. And again there was only 3 parachutes, so the 4 agreed on the same method again.

LKY to Bush: "When was World War II?"

Bush: "1940-1945." He took a parachute and off he goes.

LKY to Blair: "How many casualties were there?"

Blair: "About 57 million." He took a parachute and off he goes.

Osama was thinking to himself: "Haha, I'm a military expert, this time you can't trick me."

LKY turn to Osama and ask: "What are the names of the casualties?"

Osama nearly fainted, LL and jump out of the plane himself. And luckily for him again, he landed in the sea and was rescued.

Suay suay, for the third time, the plane which the 4 of them was on malfunctioned again.

This time, Osama thought to himself: "Hmph!! You guys are out to humiliate me, I won't fall for your tricks this time, I'll jump out myself." And off he goes....

As he was going down, he heard LKY said, "Eh... why you jump? We have 4 parachutes on the plane today!!"

 

[Koolpixel]

Here is one more to perk up your morning eh!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

 

[Hitman]

More jokes....

As a senior citizen was driving down the ECP, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Dear, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on ECP. Please be careful."

"It's not just one car," said the husband. "All the cars are going in the wrong direction!"

One more... I like this one.....

Yesterday, scientists for Health suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned