Jokes Thread

[Shizuma]

hi friends

I just realized that Clubsnap forums has got NO JOKE THREAD. (search function 12 pages not a single one dedicated to jokes!

This is very sad because this is such an interesting forum.

Hence I am starting this Jokes Thread in Kopitiam so we can all have a break from the stress of living.

Please contribute your jokes. (note the boundaries of "free speech" also in Singapore - no jokes infringing Singapore laws please)

If it is risque aka R-rated and above please indicate this at the top of your post so that people with aversion to these jokes can avoid it.

 

[Sion]

hi friends

I just realized that Clubsnap forums has got NO JOKE THREAD. (search function 12 pages not a single one dedicated to jokes!

This is very sad because this is such an interesting forum.

Hence I am starting this Jokes Thread in Kopitiam so we can all have a break from the stress of living.

Please contribute your jokes. (note the boundaries of "free speech" also in Singapore - no jokes infringing Singapore laws please)

If it is risque aka R-rated and above please indicate this at the top of your post so that people with aversion to these jokes can avoid it.

It is the time to be serious when someone posts a jokes thread.

:bsmilie:

 

[Sion]

hi friends

I just realized that Clubsnap forums has got NO JOKE THREAD. (search function 12 pages not a single one dedicated to jokes!

This is very sad because this is such an interesting forum.

Hence I am starting this Jokes Thread in Kopitiam so we can all have a break from the stress of living.

Please contribute your jokes. (note the boundaries of "free speech" also in Singapore - no jokes infringing Singapore laws please)

If it is risque aka R-rated and above please indicate this at the top of your post so that people with aversion to these jokes can avoid it.

[video=youtube;GeHZ5rJfnh4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeHZ5rJfnh4[/video]

 

[Francis247]

Ok. Let me start the ball rolling then...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."

 

[Francis247]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen And were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the minister who didn't want to appear to be agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f -for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered..

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

 

[yrh0413]

Oooh oooh I got one to share!

"climbing a tree makes you a pro!"

 

[catchlights]

usually I go to service wanted section.

 

[kei1309]

usually I go to service wanted section.

I'll start a serious thread and wait for Sion to show up :bsmilie:

 

[kei1309]

Oooh oooh I got one to share!

"climbing a tree makes you a pro!"

You forgot two criteria: must be nude and using 2 pentax K-5

 

[Shizuma]

You forgot two criteria: must be nude and using 2 pentax K-5

and also must have camera sustain blunt trauma resulting in cracked screen protector
insider joke... where's our friend to share his stories btw...

 

[oceanpriest]

and also must have camera sustain blunt trauma resulting in cracked screen protector
insider joke... where's our friend to share his stories btw...

and also must shoot from motorbike

 

[Francis247]

Holland and America Flag

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

 

[Francis247]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

 

[Francis247]

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG is HONEST
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE is WISE
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT is a HUSBAND

----------------------------------------------------------


Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES : they taste good anytime
Lovers are like PIZZAS : Hot and spicy ; eaten frequently
Husbands are like RICE : eaten only when there's no choice

----------------------------------------------------------


Man receives telegram : " Your wife is dead - should body be buried or
cremated ? "
Man : " Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash. "

 

[Francis247]

Together Again

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

 

[kei1309]

Together Again

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Read more: http://forums.cozycot.com/cafe-talks...#ixzz213h0QNKg
Enter to the #1 women's site for free.

errr... what are you doing in a women's website? :bsmilie:

 

[Francis247]

errr... what are you doing in a women's website? :bsmilie:

Is it wrong may I ask?

 

[Francis247]

Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

 

[Francis247]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

-------------------------------------------------------------

What not to say in an interview

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Employer to applicant: "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
Applicant: "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

------------------------------------------------------------------

An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

[Francis247]

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.