Jokes posted by Photobeginner

[photobeginner]

Not too busy in work today, therefore decided to start a thread of my own posting some jokes to share with everyone in CS.

Toughest Question?

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know of cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of the finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right.."

"Wrong!" said the idiot, "it's from my a**hole." And the idiot went to Heaven...

 

[photobeginner]

A friend of mine once went to a coffee shop with her friends for a drink. One peculiar habit of this friend is that she doesn't drink any beverage with milk. She approahed the counter and the uncle there ask her in hokkien, "li ai si mi?" (What do you want?) Not knowing that teh-O means tea without milk, my friend said, "Teh Mai Lo Gu Ni" (tea, don't add milk) And.......

She got all 3 types, "Teh, Milo and Gu Ni(milk) which all contains milk!

 

[photobeginner]

Three men died and were taken by St. Peter to the top of a cliff.

He said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth...... that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff... jumped in into the air and shouted "I want to be an eagle", instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff... jumped in into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl", instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the cliff, and shouted "Oh sh*t"

as he tripped on a rock......

 

[photobeginner]

The three stooges (who were triplets) all came to a sudden demise in the same instant.

At the Pearly Gates, they found St. Peter who exclaimed, "I've never had triplets all arrive at the Gates at the same time. Here's how it works. I ask you a Biblical question and if you answer it correctly, you get to go into heaven."

Larry stepped up first and St. Peter asked, "Larry, who was the first man on earth?"

Larry, very relieved, exclaimed, "ADAM!"

Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and Larry walked into heaven.

Curley stepped up next, very worried, and St. Peter asked, "Curley, who was the first woman on earth?"

Curley answered, "Eve."

Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and Curley walked into heaven.

Moe stepped up last, very worried, and St. Peter said, "You know, Moe, I've never has triplets arrive here before and I normally only have two questions ready so I'll have to make up the question for you. Moe, what were the first words ever spoken by Eve to Adam?"

Moe was puzzled and mumbled, "Gee, that's a hard one."

Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and Moe walked into heaven.

 

[photobeginner]

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No.............. from skipping."

 

[photobeginner]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"