baby maker : taken off somewhere else.

[ilurbu]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too..you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um.. equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?... ..

 

[tokrot]

LOL! good one!!:bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie:

 

[ilurbu]

oh no.. you're encouraging me...

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you yelled, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

Moral Self-induced hangover -- $100.00. Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00 . Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- priceless

 

[di0nysus]

this is super hilarious....seen it before..but..still makes my day!

 

[ilurbu]

I hope you like this though.

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and suc*ing on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and suc*ed on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[ilurbu]

nb : Read in Mandarin, think in Hokkien.

甲说：昨晚我和老婆 来了四次，她说＂西北宋 ＂！
乙说：我和老婆 来了六次，她说＂西北后 ＂！
丙说：我和老婆一 次 就 够了，她说＂哇老也，西北故 ＂！

 

[palvin]

Let me contribute too...

A mother brings his son out for shopping. They were on the train when her son shouted to his mom "Mom, mom! I need to go to the toilet. I need to pee!"

Mom said "Son, just 2 more stops and we will alight. Can you wait a little longer?"

Son said "No mom! I can't stand it anymore! Or... can i pee in your mouth?"

Mom gave son a tight slap (Everyone focused their attention on them) and said "Who taught you this?!!"

Son sobs and said "I saw daddy pee into your mouth last night! Why he can and i cannot?"

Everyone on the train laughed and the embarassed mother and her son alight immediately at the next stop.

:bsmilie:

 

[Virgo]

nb : Read in Mandarin, think in Hokkien.

甲说：昨晚我和老婆 来了四次，她说＂西北宋 ＂！
乙说：我和老婆 来了六次，她说＂西北后 ＂！
丙说：我和老婆一 次 就 够了，她说＂哇老也，西北故 ＂！

'Shot' and sharp! I love this. Thanks for sharing bro! :bsmilie:

 

[azul123]

Ok me contribute also lah, about an arranged marriage of a groom (an amputee, lost one foot due to stepping on mine).

After wedding night the bride cries back to mother and tells her mother that her husband, one foot leh!

The mother's reply?

Wah, you so lucky! your father's dick only 2inches.

../azul123

 

[ilurbu]

You are welcome Virgo.


True Courage

MichaelDoubleass was talking with an African tribe leader, FlyingMonkey about true courage.

MichaelDoubleass - Where I come from men show courage through a game we call Russian Roulette. You take a gun and remove all but one bullet, spin the chamber, point the gun to your head and pull the trigger.

FlyingMonkey - Sounds easy. Let me try.

So FlyingMonkey takes the gun the white man hands him, spins the chamber and pulls the trigger. 'Click'

FlyingMonkey- See, that was easy. But we have a game demanding much more courage.

He says something to one of the guards who then goes out and comes back with 6 beautiful women.

FlyingMonkey - These are the tribes best fellatio artists, go ahead and pick one.

MichaelDoubleass - Glad to, but I do not see what this has to do with courage.

As he starts to unbutton his pants and gets strapped onto a safari bed.

FlyingMonkey - Well, hehehe, one of them is a cannibal.

 

[ilurbu]

The bravest Men In The World

1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next, fatty."



2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".



4) A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're fugly."

 

[ilurbu]

A little Red Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill , Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture --not like the white men, who repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

 

[ilurbu]

The bluffers guide to....Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of Marketing."
Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.


Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3NWm6mYUsE

must watch.... Hokkien Fast and Furious... gave me cramps like a 40 yr old virgin..