12 year old Gulf War jokes


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StreetShooter

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Jan 17, 2002
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#1
... or "How some things never change".

I dug up these jokes from my hard disk. I had downloaded them from the internet (then known as BITNET) during the Gulf War in 1991. Goodness knows what else I keep on my hard disks.

Question: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

Answer: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!


Q. Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

A. Why should he when he can get bombed at home?


Why won't the Israelis cooperate with the US in the Gulf War for
very long?

Because the last time they listened to a "bush", they wandered
lost in the desert for forty years!!!


Responding to a report that Saddam has executed his Air Defense and Air Force chiefs for incompetence, LTG Kelley stated: "He has a very dynamic zero-defects program."

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

A: DUCK!


What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

You shout out, "B-52"


I heard in the Danish radio news a hour after the surrender, that
the Iraqis was to clean up after themselves in respect to mines.
How does an iraqi mine detector look like ?

(Put the a finger in each ear, close your eyes, put your weight
on one foot, and carefully tap the floor in front of you with the
other.)


...A foreigner asks an Iraqi what the population of his
country is. "30 million," he replies. - "30 million??" - "Well,
it's 17 million people, plus 13 million portraits of Saddam."

The latest Persian Gulf War joke is: "What's the most popular bumper sticker in the Iraqi air force? If you can read this, you must be defecting too..."


Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise
program?

Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them
there.


New version of an old jokes:

The new version:

An American tourist is visiting Iraq, and he's talking with a
Iraqi about the fact that not many people in Iraq own cars.

The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How
do you get to work?"

The Iraqi replies, "We take bus."

The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"

The Iraqi replies, "We take train."

The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"

The Iraqi replies, "We don't want go abroad."

The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really
HAVE to go abroad?"

The Iraqi replies, "We take tanks."



Saddam Hussein was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."

"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.

"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be
a Jewish Holiday."


Amnesty International has alleged that Iraqui detainees in the UK
are being kept with no heating, lighting, fresh water or proper
sanitation and that they are being kept awake all night and face
abritrary justice on charges they have not been told about.

When asked to comment, a Home Office spokesman said "We're just trying to make them feel at home"



News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!


I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the
Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to
say the word "scud".


So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?

The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with
irrefutable evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of
Greenpeace.
 

StreetShooter

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#2
Please ignore if bored. Remember, these are 12 year old jokes.


In recent times, there has been much discussion of the
shortcomings of US education. Americans' poor knowledge of
geography is one of the areas often criticized.

A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to
say on Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991):

"But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact,
our bombs are better-educated than the average high-school
graduate. I mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait."


QUESTION: Know how many Iraqees it takes to fire a SCUD?

ANSWER: Three. One to load it, one to fire it, and one to check
CNN to see where it landed.


Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest
Airlines?

A: Northwest has more kills.


Reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi
troops:

One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda
shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party
down. When he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent,
"Where you guys been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he
was an Iraqi-American, who had been in Iraq visiting his
grandparents when hostilities broke out, and he was drafted into
the Iraqi army.


We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your
seats in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000
years.


Two divisions of the Iraqi army have withdrawn from the Turkish
border. The explanation given on TV is that they are heading for
Baghdad, in an attempt to help keep Saddam Hussein in power.
Personally, I think that a Turkish border guard stepped out of
his sentry box and yelled "We're coming to get you!"


Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to be like
Panama or Granada.

They put up a much better fight.


I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two
sections--smoking and non-smoking.


In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal:

Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth
largest in the world.

Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.

The Americans have reportedly said that they are still worried
about the Iraqi's but the threat is on a different front.ie the
next olympics!

Why? You cry despondantly!
Well this is why I whisper:

They are simply afraid that the Iraq armed forces will get to
enter. The Americans have discovered that the Iraqi Tank men can
run faster than Ben Johnson and none of them take steroids!!!!


Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait:

10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over.
9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can
shoot them.
8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country.
7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal.
6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf."
5) War not as fun when other side shoots back.
4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working.
3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells.
2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books
about him.
1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down."


Have you heard the latest rumor going around about Hussein? This
is allegedly true. Some people are saying that he had plastic
surgery so that he could escape from Iraq unseen. But I don't
think the doctor who did it liked him very much. He made him look
exactly like Salman Rushdie.


Resourceful Resorts is now offering a fabulous golf vacation the
the Middle East.

TRIP INCLUDES:

*Round trip airfare on a U.S. Air Force C-141 Transport.

*7 Days and 6 Nights at Iraq's sole remaining Hotel.

*Unlimited admission to Iraq's newly constructed 270,000
hole golf Course.

Featuring:

1) A beginner's course with holes up to 30 feet in
diameter.

2) An 83,000 sq. mile sand trap (largest in the
world)!

3) A never ending challenge with new holes on
course being constructed hourly.

*NIGHTTIME CAMEL RIDES FOR TWO, PAST ROMANTIC ARABIAN OIL FIRES
AVAILABLE AT DISCOUNTED PRICES!

FROM $2150.00 (Dbl. Occ.)


Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.

"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."

"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.

"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in
this dream I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the
tallest building, and I saw a flag which read "Allah is Great",
and I knew that Allah wanted me to make peace."

"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream
last night as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I
too saw such a flag."

"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag
say?"

"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."



One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam
Hussein:

Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State
of the Union address:

"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."


I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use
against the Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.

According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has
committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's
committing only those forces that are still operational).


What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's
leaving the country?

a) "We're having some remodeling done."
b) "The exterminators are coming."
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
d) All of the above.


At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard
American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new
bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened the
bidding, they threw rocks at the next table.


Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador


"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb
shelter."

"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous
people out there, or maybe some journalists...."


Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter
pilots?

...you only have to teach them to take off.


U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early as last
October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a SCUD missile attack
on the Super Bowl.

He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.
 

rahjinoh

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Jan 17, 2002
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#4
Originally posted by StreetShooter
... or "How some things never change".

I dug up these jokes from my hard disk. I had downloaded them from the internet (then known as BITNET) during the Gulf War in 1991. Goodness knows what else I keep on my hard disks.

Whoooaa, jokes 12 years ago in YOUR hard disk?? You haven't formatted your Hard Disk for 12 Years??

You've got a very stable system :)
keke

kiddin :)
 

denizenx

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Feb 1, 2002
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#5
Originally posted by rahjinoh
Whoooaa, jokes 12 years ago in YOUR hard disk?? You haven't formatted your Hard Disk for 12 Years??

You've got a very stable system :)
keke

kiddin :)
yeah lor! my hdd dunno die how many liao... 1991 I think I had an 80MEGABYTE hdd only...
 

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