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Thread: Seeking advice: Divorce

  1. #41

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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    We had a heat argument just now. It seems like there's no turning back. She given me an offer again. We shall split the cost of legal fees of hiring one lawyer only and she's asking for no flat or maintainence fees. I am afraid this time is for real, never expect to happen to me like that. I am requesting a week to consider....
    It is advisable to get your own lawyer, you see the lawyer may not be siding you if he more biased to your wife side. We want to be impartial as far as possible.
    AMPA * WPPI * J team

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by surge
    sigh...mine is on the rocks too. can anyonw advise on how to go about getting a separation?

    the last time i speack to a lawyer she make it sound so easy. she said just be separated with her and be able to prove that we not sleeping together and not doing cooking and laundry etc for each other and the D-day comes just tell judge by oath that we are separated since what date will do. like very easy hor?
    It's sad to know that there are so many marriages not doing well in this modern times due primarily to the high demands of the materialistic society as well as the unrealistic expectation and low tolerance of our marriages and partners. Divorce is always seemed to be the easy way out but actually it is the most inhuman coz it affects everyone who is linked to the marriage.As such take this route only when there is no more avenue.

    In the case of "tokrot", once it is decided by both parties that there is no more chance, then I think both parties must act firmly (without any personal feeling) and realistically for a proper separation. Never go for a "gentleman agreement" type or "i dont think she will do that" type. Seek a good lawyer and do a proper, legal separation agreement. Do not look for any shortcuts.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    We had a heat argument just now. It seems like there's no turning back. She given me an offer again. We shall split the cost of legal fees of hiring one lawyer only and she's asking for no flat or maintainence fees. I am afraid this time is for real, never expect to happen to me like that. I am requesting a week to consider....

    At this moment, I believe talking will not help.
    because both of you will raise your voice at each other.
    Try writing....not now. But a few days later and for the content,
    Please make all the positive points...not negative.
    1) You must treat yourself as a neutral/humble person when writing this.
    2) Appologies to her in writing. (We know it's hard for you to say it from your mouth)
    3) Don't mention about her faults. (Don't say you forgive her for....it'll not help)
    4) Tell your side of the story to her.
    - when you first met, your feelings...being the luckiest man....bla..bla..
    5) keep on appologise and tell her your mistakes.(at least she knows you realize your mistakes.(sometimes although is not made by you).
    6) Admit it, we are man...we more or less have bad temper.
    7) Do not beg for forgiveness as this will make her feel like a queen.
    8) Put youself in a sad feeling rather than angry.
    9) You can cry when you are writing the letter as this will help you express
    you feelings more. (we are human, we do cry and there's nothing to be ashame about it)
    10) Tell her your intention of writing this letter.

    Again never raise your voice when talking to her. (talk to her in a sad manner)
    If she scold you, just keep quiet and listen. (although you are innocent)
    Treat this as a moment where it's the last time you'll be talking and seeing her
    if everything doesn't work out. If she really choose to leave you. Set aside all
    the negative thoughts about her and wish her to have a better life and find
    someone who can give a what she want. And tell her you are sorry for
    giving her a bad time.(still with a sad manner).

    Don't make it too hard for yourself.
    Being seperated doesn't mean the end of the world.
    It could be the typical case where you are not meant for each other.
    There could be someone better waiting for you.

    Wish you all the best.

  4. #44

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    GOOD ADVISE!

    Quote Originally Posted by mosquito
    At this moment, I believe talking will not help.
    because both of you will raise your voice at each other.
    Try writing....not now. But a few days later and for the content,
    Please make all the positive points...not negative.
    1) You must treat yourself as a neutral/humble person when writing this.
    2) Appologies to her in writing. (We know it's hard for you to say it from your mouth)
    3) Don't mention about her faults. (Don't say you forgive her for....it'll not help)
    4) Tell your side of the story to her.
    - when you first met, your feelings...being the luckiest man....bla..bla..
    5) keep on appologise and tell her your mistakes.(at least she knows you realize your mistakes.(sometimes although is not made by you).
    6) Admit it, we are man...we more or less have bad temper.
    7) Do not beg for forgiveness as this will make her feel like a queen.
    8) Put youself in a sad feeling rather than angry.
    9) You can cry when you are writing the letter as this will help you express
    you feelings more. (we are human, we do cry and there's nothing to be ashame about it)
    10) Tell her your intention of writing this letter.

    Again never raise your voice when talking to her. (talk to her in a sad manner)
    If she scold you, just keep quiet and listen. (although you are innocent)
    Treat this as a moment where it's the last time you'll be talking and seeing her
    if everything doesn't work out. If she really choose to leave you. Set aside all
    the negative thoughts about her and wish her to have a better life and find
    someone who can give a what she want. And tell her you are sorry for
    giving her a bad time.(still with a sad manner).

    Don't make it too hard for yourself.
    Being seperated doesn't mean the end of the world.
    It could be the typical case where you are not meant for each other.
    There could be someone better waiting for you.

    Wish you all the best.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    OK here's what she offered last time if I would to sign the divorce papers.

    1) She would not request the ownshipship of the flat.
    2) The papers will just stated Incompatible leading to divorce.
    3) Legal fees should be paided by both sides.

    I told her I may go to lawyer and she has to pay her own legal fees, moreover I have suggested marriage annuled so both of us will have nothing nor I need to pay her maintainence. Now She's threatening to spread rumours abt her assumption of me being "impotent" in my company. (She used to work there). I have warned her to sue her for slander if she does that.

    Personally, I dun think she would do that. In my opinion she could be asking for some settlements but my pal advise me against signing the papers since there's no black and white abt she not claiming the flat later. So what's the deal now? Should I agree to her proposal?
    Sad to here yr frankness.
    I guess its best to get a consultantion advice from a lawyer first before any agreement.
    If you do not have a lawyer in mind, u can pm me for a contact. I had introduced a lawyer to friends gone through divorce that are sticky and tough.
    Anyway, goodluck.

  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    OK here's what she offered last time if I would to sign the divorce papers.

    1) She would not request the ownshipship of the flat.
    2) The papers will just stated Incompatible leading to divorce.
    3) Legal fees should be paided by both sides.

    I told her I may go to lawyer and she has to pay her own legal fees, moreover I have suggested marriage annuled so both of us will have nothing nor I need to pay her maintainence. Now She's threatening to spread rumours abt her assumption of me being "impotent" in my company. (She used to work there). I have warned her to sue her for slander if she does that.

    Personally, I dun think she would do that. In my opinion she could be asking for some settlements but my pal advise me against signing the papers since there's no black and white abt she not claiming the flat later. So what's the deal now? Should I agree to her proposal?
    A fast remedy/quick fix is the best ......less painful all round and getting on with one's life is important. However that may not be possible for a number of reasons, cos you need to be cautious, yes do not have a common lawyer.

    Take care of Item # 1 about the HDB flat. It is still a very much depressed property market so there's no gain for her (smart) might even have to top-up after disposing the property, chattels possessions and cash ??? 50 / 50 ???....heehehe start hoarding cash or what else.

    If there no recourse and the marriage is beyond salvage, then what you need to aim for ....is Zero Maintenance....that's painfull in the long run bad for the mind, down the road you'll surely be mad paying every month and she in somebody's else arms. If zero maintenance is included and she calls you an impotent so be it.

    Seriously ...medically can prove one is impotent ??? "Joking"...you mean like the nurse check if your tool is working and can shoot straight and then doctor give certification, what if the nurse cannot do the job ???

    Someone mention delay tactic......good idea, cos give you time to be rational and planful for your own benefit , sad to say you need to do some scheming yourself, after all , all in love is fair ??

    All the best.
    Last edited by Koishe; 27th February 2004 at 12:17 PM.

  7. #47

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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    OK here's what she offered last time if I would to sign the divorce papers.

    1) She would not request the ownshipship of the flat.
    2) The papers will just stated Incompatible leading to divorce.
    3) Legal fees should be paided by both sides.

    I told her I may go to lawyer and she has to pay her own legal fees, moreover I have suggested marriage annuled so both of us will have nothing nor I need to pay her maintainence. Now She's threatening to spread rumours abt her assumption of me being "impotent" in my company. (She used to work there). I have warned her to sue her for slander if she does that.

    Personally, I dun think she would do that. In my opinion she could be asking for some settlements but my pal advise me against signing the papers since there's no black and white abt she not claiming the flat later. So what's the deal now? Should I agree to her proposal?
    HI Bro,
    U better be extra careful, cos once my friend sign the paper(dn't know what paper also) the next day another lawyer came in to ask for half of the flat as her name is on it, so double check 1st, worst, to my friend as he is soon to have custom marriage ard the corner and that "bxxxh"play him out after 8yrs of relationship for jst 1yr stupid new relation.

    Remember, u still have our support, may the force be with u

  8. #48
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    DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING without being advised by YOUR OWN LAWYER!

    like brakes on cars, this is something you cannot stinge on. I know you're depressed, but from your story, you're better off closing this chapter. Get a GOOD LAWYER NOW.

    ps: I am not a lawyer.

  9. #49

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    If all these 4 years, she has rejected you, then i think it might be because she was forced to stay with you. Maybe the money that u have given her has made her feel inclined and obliged to stay with u so as to repay your kindness.

    Perhaps, the customary marriage took too long. The customary marriage might be the one that she wanted to have, so that in the eyes of the elders, she is lawfully married. Which might be why she refused xxx if she is a "good" girl.

    Normally when a girl decides to leave a guy, it is due to 2 main reasons:
    1. She can't stand him
    2. She has found a new love.

  10. #50

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    The HARD facts!

    You love her more than she loves you.
    Know that she is the one who is leaving you. Not the other way around.
    Short of begging, what can you do?
    It is important for you to walk out with dignity.
    Assume that she wants to regain her freedom to form a more meaningful relationship with another person.
    Assume that she may already have interest in another person.
    Know that people can change over time. Who's to say why they act in this way.
    You have to be a man and see that the end is near.
    You have to be objective and take legal measures.

  11. #51
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    Sorry to hear about your situation. I am not a lawyer but have the following suggestions:

    1. Make sure you are very clear that the love between the 2 of you have completely died before you proceed with separation. From the way you write, you seem "angry" which means you still have feelings for her. Make sure when you approach a lawyer, it is OVER.

    2. If you are proceeding to find a lawyer, get the best your money can buy. It would be better for you to spend money on getting a good lawyer than when your lawyer fail to adquately represent your interest. Remember, when it is OVER, your interest in winning the settlement becomes PARAMOUNT. You want your lawyer to get you the best deal as possible.

    3. For all legal documents that she present to you, don't sign them until your lawyer have gone through line by line with you. Don't sign it in haste or in anger. Many people fall for that trap when your opponent either try to be sweet to you or frustrate you, hoping that you blindly sign it to get over it. Once you sign, it is settled.

    Life is funny. Sometimes a horrible event in a particular point in your life will turn out to be your fortituous moment in your life. I remember a friend of mine who loved his ex-gal very much, gave money to her etc only to find her on a overseas business trip in a compromising position with her boss. My friend was completely devastated for a long period.

    Now he has learned what went wrong and has moved on in life. For info, he is planning to marry his new gal which I met recently. I hope that things will turn for the better for you. Just remember, life is like a roller-coaster, there will be ups and downs. Make the best of life, cause you only live once, even though you will make many mistakes in your lifetime.

  12. #52

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    sigh, as a male in Singapore, you are always at a losing end in a divorce.

  13. #53

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    Quote Originally Posted by tokrot
    Hi Guys,

    I dunno whether I should discuss this in the forum but I am really really helpless... My marriage is on the rock and gonna end soon. OK here's my story. We were married in yr 2000 and had no customary marriage and had a 5-room flat two yrs later. My Wife (a SG PR) refused to share same bed, bedroom, refused customary marriage, refused sex. Now my wife being tired of me, wants to dump me. She's hiring a lawyer based on the facts that she thinks I am impotent (which I am NOT! ) and uncompatible. She told me all I have to do is to sign the paper agreement and there we go our seperate ways.

    Throughout the 4 yrs, I have given her monthly allowances and many cash ( she insists on cash basis) on her birthdays, her dad& mom's birthday, Christmas, CNY, Wedding anniversaries and shopping. What she does is come home late with 1 am plus half drunken occassionally. She even refused to contribute to Household exspense at all.

    Based on my friend's account, it is useless for me to get the lawyer to fight this case as a divorce case is still a divorce case in the end. The Women Charter Laws protects the women here. But what I want is the truth to be out and show what kind of person she is. My question now is should I get a lawyer to "fight" the case for me? will this divorce case have any affect on my next case of maintainence fee? Please advise.....
    Is she a PR b4 she get married to you or after she get married to you?

  14. #54

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    "tokrot", there seems something missing in your story. You are relunctant to get PI and lawyer when you are under so much mistreatment. Why? Is it because u are afraid of the cost? FOr lawyer, u can approach your MPS (meet the people session at your MP) , he/she will assign to free legal service immediately in a few days. Even if your income is too high to qualify for free legal service, at least you could get a free pre-consultation on whether you case is worth paying for a lawyer.


    song

  15. #55

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    Quote Originally Posted by song
    "tokrot", there seems something missing in your story. You are relunctant to get PI and lawyer when you are under so much mistreatment. Why? Is it because u are afraid of the cost? FOr lawyer, u can approach your MPS (meet the people session at your MP) , he/she will assign to free legal service immediately in a few days. Even if your income is too high to qualify for free legal service, at least you could get a free pre-consultation on whether you case is worth paying for a lawyer.


    song
    Hi Song,

    I am relunctant because I know she's the not that kind of person who did adultery. I believe this fail marriage was mostly caused by myself who has probably neglected her througout the 4 yrs and now she wants to leave me. Now she's opting out of the maintenance fees, I have to settle peacefully with her instead fighting all the huge legal fees. Most of my savings have now gone to her shopping sprees, her savings and household expenses.

    What I can do now is to salvage what I have left. I am trying to close this bad chapter of my life and I know there's no more turning point for this marriage. Thanks everyone who have replied on this threads. Thanks to all your helpful advices and help!

  16. #56
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    Sorry bro, your story doesn't gel. First you said SHE was the one who wanted separate rooms, beds and refused to have sex. Now you're saying it was your fault for neglecting her. One story at a time buddy. We watch CSI Miami you know.

  17. #57
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    Angry

    Quote Originally Posted by hwchoy
    Sorry bro, your story doesn't gel. First you said SHE was the one who wanted separate rooms, beds and refused to have sex. Now you're saying it was your fault for neglecting her. One story at a time buddy. We watch CSI Miami you know.
    come to think of it, your userid is "tokrot". Hopefully it's not "talk rot", coz i can feel that many of us have came to believe in your story and are moved. Sincerely everyone is very concerned now and are hoping that you will come to a good conclusion. If your story is true, we offer our regrets. But if you r actually tok rot, i think u better put a stop before many ppl feel "cheated".

  18. #58

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    Quote Originally Posted by lauLEE
    come to think of it, your userid is "tokrot". Hopefully it's not "talk rot", coz i can feel that many of us have came to believe in your story and are moved. Sincerely everyone is very concerned now and are hoping that you will come to a good conclusion. If your story is true, we offer our regrets. But if you r actually tok rot, i think u better put a stop before many ppl feel "cheated".
    Do I sound like as if I were kidding?? Sorry if I sound like I am joking but I am definitely not. I still have many problems to solve.

  19. #59

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    Hi,

    whatever problems you have with your wife, strongly suggest you take it up through a lawyer. The way the story is progressing, you will be in a fix, if you continue with this forum postings, because as it is, much of what has been discussed can cut both ways, might even be used against you.

    GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. We are not professionals here, and even if we are, most of the stuff i have read is by well-meaning folks, but misplaced advise.

  20. #60

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    Quote Originally Posted by song
    "tokrot", there seems something missing in your story. You are relunctant to get PI and lawyer when you are under so much mistreatment. Why? Is it because u are afraid of the cost? FOr lawyer, u can approach your MPS (meet the people session at your MP) , he/she will assign to free legal service immediately in a few days. Even if your income is too high to qualify for free legal service, at least you could get a free pre-consultation on whether you case is worth paying for a lawyer.


    song
    Hi, you do not need to go to your constituency MPS to get a referral to the Legal Aid Bureau, unless you have special circumstance requiring your MP to represent your case.

    Instead, you can go directly to the Bureau to register and find out if you're eligible for legal aid. You may also find out what avenues are available to you should you not be eligible.

    The URL for the Bureau is at http://app.minlaw.gov.sg/lab/default.asp

    good luck.
    sfhuang

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