anyone knows where I can get a Personal Waistband Voice Amplifier ?
O HAii O Haiii...
The nocturnal cat has woken up! *streetch*
Anyone knows how much I should charge for selling of editorial photos?
Photos are of a press conference... speakers, etc...
The best photographer is one who is inspired by the innate nature of his subjects.
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft....
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ........... $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00
IF ARCHITECTS TO WORK LIKE SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I
need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just
make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or
deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final
decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each
configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than
the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all
the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen
vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough
insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly
maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the
incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminium, vinyl or composite
siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminium, be prepared to explain
your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest
materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a
showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted,
however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among
other things, my 1952 Gibson refigerator.
To ensure that you are building the correct house for our entire
family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our
in- laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the
house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year.
Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the
right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time,
for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the colour of the carpet.
However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to
build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect
the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind
that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore
should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make
sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the
population in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at my neighbour's house that he
constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that
we would also like in our new home, particularly the 25 meter swimming
pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our
new home without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at
this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for
construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held
accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later
You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this!
To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given
such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often.
Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions
that I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to
resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable
to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to
find another architect.
Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please
advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
"But what... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich *******.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich *******". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
ADVERTS part 1
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vagetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
ADVERTS part 2
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
A woman had been married four times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian
and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke
out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a MicroSoft Windows programmer and
he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how
good it was going to be."
"The fourth time, I married a computer technician. He'd sit
on the edge of the bed and tell me, "I'll have it up in 30
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
A1: Warning label.
A2: Truth in advertising.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside