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Thread: how to maintain a relationship for long?

  1. #41

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Two persons coming together after being moulded for an average of 30 years. You will take another 30 years to understand each other or maybe until the very last day when one has to go!

  2. #42

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Override2Zion View Post
    I think both statements are true leh. Good points IMHO. Sex brings a couple closer, but obsession is unhealthy. It takes 2 hands to clap, if either party ain't interest at all, there will be problems. Another factor I feel is important is to trust and also compromise.
    There must be a balance somewhere! Trust should be 100% but compromise????

  3. #43
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    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yappy View Post
    There must be a balance somewhere! Trust should be 100% but compromise????
    compromise here may just mean giving in (in small or big ways) to each other. like watching TV/movie together is still more ideal than watching TV/movie seperately.

  4. #44
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    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by jdredd View Post
    at the beginnging, everything should feel right for u.. i.e. u must click etc etc.. there must be a LOT of chemistry, the sex must be great etc etc.

    if from the beginning got a lot of issues,t hen i think, long term, is really difficult.

    bt even a relationship with a great start.. after a few years, things will get stale, less topic to talk about . then the killer blow... u meet some hot new colleague at lunch, who makes it clear that she likes u.. and the GRASS WILL ALWAYS BE GREENER.

    this is crunch time for a relationship. if you can get through these "dry" patches, you are set for life. if you always wonder.. if only, or are looking to the horizon, then its game over liow.

    there have been countless books, articles etc written about how to sustain a relationship in the long term. dont act in ignorance. go and read. ask friends. ask your parents. the more information, tips, advice etc that you have, the better you can work at your relationship.

    space is key. you must give each other space to grow and do your own thing. hav ewyour own time out with your friends for your hobbies etc. give her time to do her own thing.

    you must must talk over problems. if the sex is stale, dont just go through the motions. talk to her. im sure she must also be thinking the same thing. experiment. take time to have one special night during a week, where you concentrate on each other, are well rested, have a nice dinner and spent time to have a long lovemaking session. one good session once a week, is bettern than 2 or 3 boring sessions. a good healthy sexual relationship, is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. dont underestimate it.

    break up the monotony of a relationship in this small country. lets face it. for most of us, things get to be very routine. go to work, go home, see wife/gf. watch tv. go for dinner. ont he weekends, go watch movie, go shopping at orchard vivo city etc etc.

    after a while, confirm sienz.

    make time to do interesting things. things you both have never done (can be anything.. go bowling, go prawn fishing watever). take up a hobby that you both can do... diving, tennis, martial arts, photography. go for events. buy timeout, look for things to do. once a week, alternative giving a nice massage to each other.

    depending on budget, do plan some getaways on a regular basis. doesnt always have to be a week long holiday at some nice resort. even a quick weekend getaway to melacca or KL or something.

    surprise her. girls love surprises. it doesnt have to be expensive gifts. make her dinner. buy her a cupcake. go to the wholesale flower dealers at lornie / thompson road e.g far east. flowers sold there are very very cheap. 20 bucks, can buy a HUGE bunch of lilies.

    just bear it in mind, that nothing comes for free, nothing comes easy. long term relationship IS work. and you BOTH have to work at it. there is no escaping that fact.

    bro i really appreciate your advice, thks alot!

  5. #45
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    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    woots epic post.

    WHY NEED WORDS? u 2 simply understand each other too well!

  6. #46

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Interesting thread and question from TS..in a photography forum! Ok, let me take a shot at it. Just out of curiousity, how many of you replying to this thread are married? Bcos dating and married are 2 separate worlds. Since I'm married, let me share with u what I do to maintain my relationship.

    I'm coming up to my first decade of married life very soon, in another 5 months. Throughout this decade of married life, I've felt very lucky and blessed to have a good wife, and to have 2 kids. Sometimes I do wonder how my path will have gone if I didn't meet her. She was my first...and she is my last (I know...very tackyyyyy )

    The key ingredient in a marriage is something that eludes most people. Especially in today's lifestyle, this ingredient has slowly lost its useability. This key ingredient is "Compromise". Yes, C-O-M-P-R-O-M-I-S-E...spare a thought, think of the other half..it's the same. But why compromise, you may ask?

    2 individuals will always have their own wants and needs. However, to stay together, both need to compromise on their needs for the "greater good". Most people always try to maintain their own lifestyle and hobbies after marriage, and would not be willing to compromise on it. That ultimately leads to conflicts as each refuses to "give in".

    Let's take a practical example. Between buying that camera you have been eyeing for a year now, and your other half wanting to take a long sought after holiday together..would you compromise? Is the camera worth it at the loss of spending time together as a family? Or is it the "I spend my money as I like" issue that is the main concern?

    It makes me smile to hear of people going for pre-marriage classes at family centres, religious places and community halls. Some go so far as to buy books that profess to "teach" you to have a better relationship. When you look back at our ancestors, you would think that they would have divorced 1 week after marriage without all these "supporting infrastructure".

    All these classes and books always come back to the main ingredient of a marriage - Understand your other half and learn to compromise. Its not "giving into pressue", "self-sacrifice" or "throwing in the towel" as a lot of people put it. Its about putting the correct priorities in life for the family unit. You don't need someone to "teach" you about that..it's common sense.

    In today's iPod generation, compromising is not an option for them. Its a dog-eat-dog world they say, and compromising means good guys finish last. That's a really crappy concept...and your family unit is not a dog-eat-dog environment.

    I take a view in life that my kids and wife comes first on the list of priorities. Its no point having nice toys for myself, when the whole family unit is falling to pieces. It takes a very different mindset to give up what we want to let others have their happiness. It may mean giving up time, money and effort to help others (like in the CS forums), but if you feel good about it, why not? The world will not change because of that, but at least one person's life might.

    The other advice I can offer is something you married guys might want to try. I call it the "Daily Zoneout" method (copyright horrr ). Its very simple to try to do, but its not easy to do it everyday.

    As I can't drive, I rely on a lot of public transport to and from my house. On my daily commute back home, I have about 35-45 mins before I reach home. What I do is find a spot to stand in the train, lean back, and "zoneout" by processing all the events and things that happen at work. I sort out all decisions, work out the frustrations and listen to music to chill out. What's the end result?

    When I reach home, my first sentence is not "Let me tell you about what happened in the office today, and how frus I am...." No. Its "Hi, how was your day? Tell me all about it."

    You will be surprised at how much your SO or kids will pour out to you about what happened to them during the day. You don't realise this, but you are providing an "outlet vent" for them to throw everything out. At the end of it, you will see a much calmer and happier family. They don't want to hear about your day...they want you to hear theirs.

    Why does this work? Very simply, we are too obsessed to spill out our own "sitrep", that we don't compromise (remember?) to let the other half have their say. We want to them to hear about our day..but we are not interetsed in theirs. By the time we end, we'll be off doing our own things (like P'shopping our shots, cleaning our equipment, logging onto CS ) that we have no time to sit down and hear.

    That always lead to quarrels centering on "You don't understand how I feel", "You never bother about me", "Its always about you you you, what about me?", "Have you spared a thought for me?", "You think its easy to take care of the kids and house", "You just go out and play..what about me stuck at home?"......and so on, and so forth.

    Marriage is not an easy thing to maintain...getting married is the easier part. It takes a lot out of both parties, and people tire out easily (especially in today's standards). How good it will last will depend on how "unselfish" you can be in keeping it going.

    But hey, no one said it was easy!
    Last edited by ClipperSG; 5th January 2009 at 11:03 PM.
    ebay SG: clippersg
    Chupr: clipper

  7. #47

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    This is brilliant, I shall remember this advice.


    Quote Originally Posted by ClipperSG View Post
    Interesting thread and question from TS..in a photography forum! Ok, let me take a shot at it. Just out of curiousity, how many of you replying to this thread are married? Bcos dating and married are 2 separate worlds. Since I'm married, let me share with u what I do to maintain my relationship.

    I'm coming up to my first decade of married life very soon, in another 5 months. Throughout this decade of married life, I've felt very lucky and blessed to have a good wife, and to have 2 kids. Sometimes I do wonder how my path will have gone if I didn't meet her. She was my first...and she is my last (I know...very tackyyyyy )

    The key ingredient in a marriage is something that eludes most people. Especially in today's lifestyle, this ingredient has slowly lost its useability. This key ingredient is "Compromise". Yes, C-O-M-P-R-O-M-I-S-E...spare a thought, think of the other half..it's the same. But why compromise, you may ask?

    2 individuals will always have their own wants and needs. However, to stay together, both need to compromise on their needs for the "greater good". Most people always try to maintain their own lifestyle and hobbies after marriage, and would not be willing to compromise on it. That ultimately leads to conflicts as each refuses to "give in".

    Let's take a practical example. Between buying that camera you have been eyeing for a year now, and your other half wanting to take a long sought after holiday together..would you compromise? Is the camera worth it at the loss of spending time together as a family? Or is it the "I spend my money as I like" issue that is the main concern?

    It makes me smile to hear of people going for pre-marriage classes at family centres, religious places and community halls. Some go so far as to buy books that profess to "teach" you to have a better relationship. When you look back at our ancestors, you would think that they would have divorced 1 week after marriage without all these "supporting infrastructure".

    All these classes and books always come back to the main ingredient of a marriage - Understand your other half and learn to compromise. Its not "giving into pressue", "self-sacrifice" or "throwing in the towel" as a lot of people put it. Its about putting the correct priorities in life for the family unit. You don't need someone to "teach" you about that..it's common sense.

    In today's iPod generation, compromising is not an option for them. Its a dog-eat-dog world they say, and compromising means good guys finish last. That's a really crappy concept...and your family unit is not a dog-eat-dog environment.

    I take a view in life that my kids and wife comes first on the list of priorities. Its no point having nice toys for myself, when the whole family unit is falling to pieces. It takes a very different mindset to give up what we want to let others have their happiness. It may mean giving up time, money and effort to help others (like in the CS forums), but if you feel good about it, why not? The world will not change because of that, but at least one person's life might.

    The other advice I can offer is something you married guys might want to try. I call it the "Daily Zoneout" method (copyright horrr ). Its very simple to try to do, but its not easy to do it everyday.

    As I can't drive, I rely on a lot of public transport to and from my house. On my daily commute back home, I have about 35-45 mins before I reach home. What I do is find a spot to stand in the train, lean back, and "zoneout" by processing all the events and things that happen at work. I sort out all decisions, work out the frustrations and listen to music to chill out. What's the end result?

    When I reach home, my first sentence is not "Let me tell you about what happened in the office today, and how frus I am...." No. Its "Hi, how was your day? Tell me all about it."

    You will be surprised at how much your SO or kids will pour out to you about what happened to them during the day. You don't realise this, but you are providing an "outlet vent" for them to throw everything out. At the end of it, you will see a much calmer and happier family. They don't want to hear about your day...they want you to hear theirs.

    Why does this work? Very simply, we are too obsessed to spill out our own "sitrep", that we don't compromise (remember?) to let the other half have their say. We want to them to hear about our day..but we are not interetsed in theirs. By the time we end, we'll be off doing our own things (like P'shopping our shots, cleaning our equipment, logging onto CS ) that we have no time to sit down and hear.

    That always lead to quarrels centering on "You don't understand how I feel", "You never bother about me", "Its always about you you you, what about me?", "Have you spared a thought for me?", "You think its easy to take care of the kids and house", "You just go out and play..what about me stuck at home?"......and so on, and so forth.

    Marriage is not an easy thing to maintain...getting married is the easier part. It takes a lot out of both parties, and people tire out easily (especially in today's standards). How good it will last will depend on how "unselfish" you can be in keeping it going.

    But hey, no one said it was easy!
    Nikon D750; FM2; FG; 55mm Micro Nikkor; 28-300 VR; 70-200 VR; Nikon V1 + 10-30mm

  8. #48

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by ClipperSG View Post
    Interesting thread and question from TS..in a photography forum! Ok, let me take a shot at it. Just out of curiousity, how many of you replying to this thread are married? Bcos dating and married are 2 separate worlds. Since I'm married, let me share with u what I do to maintain my relationship.

    I'm coming up to my first decade of married life very soon, in another 5 months. Throughout this decade of married life, I've felt very lucky and blessed to have a good wife, and to have 2 kids. Sometimes I do wonder how my path will have gone if I didn't meet her. She was my first...and she is my last (I know...very tackyyyyy )

    The key ingredient in a marriage is something that eludes most people. Especially in today's lifestyle, this ingredient has slowly lost its useability. This key ingredient is "Compromise". Yes, C-O-M-P-R-O-M-I-S-E...spare a thought, think of the other half..it's the same. But why compromise, you may ask?

    2 individuals will always have their own wants and needs. However, to stay together, both need to compromise on their needs for the "greater good". Most people always try to maintain their own lifestyle and hobbies after marriage, and would not be willing to compromise on it. That ultimately leads to conflicts as each refuses to "give in".

    Let's take a practical example. Between buying that camera you have been eyeing for a year now, and your other half wanting to take a long sought after holiday together..would you compromise? Is the camera worth it at the loss of spending time together as a family? Or is it the "I spend my money as I like" issue that is the main concern?

    It makes me smile to hear of people going for pre-marriage classes at family centres, religious places and community halls. Some go so far as to buy books that profess to "teach" you to have a better relationship. When you look back at our ancestors, you would think that they would have divorced 1 week after marriage without all these "supporting infrastructure".

    All these classes and books always come back to the main ingredient of a marriage - Understand your other half and learn to compromise. Its not "giving into pressue", "self-sacrifice" or "throwing in the towel" as a lot of people put it. Its about putting the correct priorities in life for the family unit. You don't need someone to "teach" you about that..it's common sense.

    In today's iPod generation, compromising is not an option for them. Its a dog-eat-dog world they say, and compromising means good guys finish last. That's a really crappy concept...and your family unit is not a dog-eat-dog environment.

    I take a view in life that my kids and wife comes first on the list of priorities. Its no point having nice toys for myself, when the whole family unit is falling to pieces. It takes a very different mindset to give up what we want to let others have their happiness. It may mean giving up time, money and effort to help others (like in the CS forums), but if you feel good about it, why not? The world will not change because of that, but at least one person's life might.

    The other advice I can offer is something you married guys might want to try. I call it the "Daily Zoneout" method (copyright horrr ). Its very simple to try to do, but its not easy to do it everyday.

    As I can't drive, I rely on a lot of public transport to and from my house. On my daily commute back home, I have about 35-45 mins before I reach home. What I do is find a spot to stand in the train, lean back, and "zoneout" by processing all the events and things that happen at work. I sort out all decisions, work out the frustrations and listen to music to chill out. What's the end result?

    When I reach home, my first sentence is not "Let me tell you about what happened in the office today, and how frus I am...." No. Its "Hi, how was your day? Tell me all about it."

    You will be surprised at how much your SO or kids will pour out to you about what happened to them during the day. You don't realise this, but you are providing an "outlet vent" for them to throw everything out. At the end of it, you will see a much calmer and happier family. They don't want to hear about your day...they want you to hear theirs.

    Why does this work? Very simply, we are too obsessed to spill out our own "sitrep", that we don't compromise (remember?) to let the other half have their say. We want to them to hear about our day..but we are not interetsed in theirs. By the time we end, we'll be off doing our own things (like P'shopping our shots, cleaning our equipment, logging onto CS ) that we have no time to sit down and hear.

    That always lead to quarrels centering on "You don't understand how I feel", "You never bother about me", "Its always about you you you, what about me?", "Have you spared a thought for me?", "You think its easy to take care of the kids and house", "You just go out and play..what about me stuck at home?"......and so on, and so forth.

    Marriage is not an easy thing to maintain...getting married is the easier part. It takes a lot out of both parties, and people tire out easily (especially in today's standards). How good it will last will depend on how "unselfish" you can be in keeping it going.

    But hey, no one said it was easy!
    Please allow me to summerise into two sentences for you:
    1) to be happy - learn to close one eye.
    2) to be very happy and last very long - learn to close both eyes.

  9. #49

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Good advice Interesting thread.

    Think space is quite important to maintain a relationship for long. All of us need some time out every now and then. Of cause we need space that we share together too. So got to manage this well, it not about being selffish or being selfless but a balance life makes a more complete person.

    Another important thing I felt is NEVER take one another for granted (she will say "you dun love me like u use too) nor MAKE assumption before finding out more. This prevent quarrels and bad feeling from building up over time.

    And of cos both must learn to compromise, not just a one sided affair. Very important if we want a long relationship.

    Not yet married but soon will be. Hope it will last a lifetime. Learning as we goes by.

  10. #50

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Silence Sky View Post
    Please allow me to summerise into two sentences for you:
    1) to be happy - learn to close one eye.
    2) to be very happy and last very long - learn to close both eyes.
    Hmm dun quite think that is what the person is trying to say. Don't think closing both eye for a long time will be good... Your partner may run away while you are at it..

  11. #51

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Silence Sky View Post
    Please allow me to summerise into two sentences for you:
    1) to be happy - learn to close one eye.
    2) to be very happy and last very long - learn to close both eyes.
    Quote Originally Posted by flowerpot99 View Post
    Hmm dun quite think that is what the person is trying to say. Don't think closing both eye for a long time will be good... Your partner may run away while you are at it..
    Actually I agree with point 1: Close one eye.

    Point 2 will either lead you off the cliff, or straight into a concrete wall becos both eyes are closed

    Compromise is looking at a situation from all sides, and then stepping away from it. So it definitely needs at least one eye, or better a pair of eyes to judge the situation.

    "Last very long" is relative of cos. But it will definitely surpass today's average marriage length.
    ebay SG: clippersg
    Chupr: clipper

  12. #52
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by dommy View Post
    how to maintain a relationship for long?
    1. Send relationship for regular checkups.
    2. Don't over-stretch its capacity.
    3. Give it a good clean once a while.
    4. Go gentle with the accelator.
    5. Obey traffic regulations.

  13. #53

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    1. Send relationship for regular checkups.
    2. Don't over-stretch its capacity.
    3. Give it a good clean once a while.
    4. Go gentle with the accelator.
    5. Obey traffic regulations.
    6. find girlfriend with tyre

  14. #54

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Silence Sky View Post
    Please allow me to summerise into two sentences for you:
    1) to be happy - learn to close one eye.
    2) to be very happy and last very long - learn to close both eyes.
    I do not agree.

    We need to know the problems/issues.

    Have discussion and talk it over. Do not keep it as closing both eyes do more harm.

    I have my wife coming to tell me recently that "i have been having this and is it Ok to tell you how I feel about it? I told her, please carry on.... and I was surprised to hear it.

    I know that after that she felt better and I stopped another triggering points... but I believe there are more.... sob sob... I am still trying to understand her and attend to her need.

    And of course, it has to be both ways.

  15. #55

    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yappy View Post
    I do not agree.

    We need to know the problems/issues.

    Have discussion and talk it over. Do not keep it as closing both eyes do more harm.

    I have my wife coming to tell me recently that "i have been having this and is it Ok to tell you how I feel about it? I told her, please carry on.... and I was surprised to hear it.

    I know that after that she felt better and I stopped another triggering points... but I believe there are more.... sob sob... I am still trying to understand her and attend to her need.

    And of course, it has to be both ways.
    Basically it boils down to communication. And communication is not necessarily about waiting for the other party to say something. In today's lifestyle, many people forget that communication is a 2-way street. The concept of "You should know what I'm thinking of" only works in lah-lah land and has no place in the real world.

    You can try my "Daily Zoneout" (copyright again horrrr ) for yourself.

    In that way, when you reach home, instead of waiting for her to tell you, you should just ask her how's her day and anything interesting happened.

    By doing that, you are expressing that you are interested in her "sitrep". Remember, they don't want to hear yours..they want to get theirs off the chest immediately.

    If you are driving, I would not recommend to "zoneout" in that process...concentration maybe lost. I would suggest doing it before going home, or even just at the house carpark. 20-30 minutes should be more than enough.

    Remember, it's "zoneout"...not a 6-hour "spaced-out"
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  16. #56
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    Default Re: how to maintain a relationship for long?

    i zone out before work and after work but recently i somehow stop doing that, end up went home with a moody face...

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