Sorry Ed, I just read all this.
Yeah, you need to give yourself time to get over things, but don't be fooled into thinking that time heals all wounds. It does not. (No offense to Bovine, or anyone else mislead into this common fallacy). A conscious decision to want to heal, and move on will help far greater than just meandering through time.
What does help form the healing process is:
1) an understanding of what happened,
2) an acceptance that's it's over,
3) grieving (as any human needs to, and what you're going through right now), and
4) then the process of re-collecting yourself, re-establishing routines and forming new ones, and all that, which forms the process of 'getting over her' and re-building your life.
Now, the key point is, getting over her. That means that you HAVE to start telling yourself IT'S OVER. (Acceptance)
If you don;t want to accept that it's over, you're going through denial over and over again Ed, and will eventually end up in self-pity. EDIT to add: And when you're in that state, what you will be doing is actually ripping up your own heart. Not the pain, not the end of the relationship or anything else that's external, but you yourself will be causing the pain. And the worse it gets, the deeper you will plunge into pitying yourself. It's a vicious cycle.
Forget about wanting to contact her, see how's she's doing etc. ANY contact with her will only serve to hamper, or even prevent your acceptance that the relationship is over, regardless of your stated intention.
If you can, lock away any memorabilia of the two of you. Gifts, photos, old SMSes etc. Practice 'Out-of-sight, out-of-mind'. Having anything around that you could stumble across will only serve to bring back memories, which brings me to the next point - memories.
You'll hear the usual 'remember the good times' quote often. That's fine, except do that ONLY after you have accepted that it's over, and you have started to move on with your life.
Because recalling ANY memory of her now, will only serve to plunge you into the depths of self-pity Ed.
IF you want to start healing inside, you have to let yourself go Ed, of her, of the memories, or the needs and desires of wanting to be in contact with her, see how she's doing etc, because ANY of those actions is a veiled attempt to feed your desire for CONTACT with her, even a simple SMS.
You cannot keep on reaching out for any elements that will only serve to HOLD YOU BACK from healing.
As your grieving starts to abate, and you realise that saying, "It's over ... she's gone" doesn't hurt so much, that's when it might be a good time to re-establish new routines, make new friends and start going out, and re-discovering, and enjoying life again.
Along the way, assuming that you have really gone through the earlier processes, you will also likely see subtle shifts in your perceptions and outlook, whether for the better, or worse (embitterment), but it will happen because you have gone through a huge change in life. If it's for the worse Ed, you'll really have to start looking deep into yourself and examining things. This will be far worse than you can imagine, because being brutally honest to oneself is perhaps the hardest things ever to achieve in life.
If it's for the better, great!
Also, be aware that sometimes, it's not better or worse ... just different. That's also normal.
But I'm getting ahead of things.
For now, you have to start the process of ACCEPTANCE that's it's over, and to allow yourself to grieve properly (not wallow in self-pity hor).
If you like, use us as a form of distraction during the breaks you need to take in between bouts of grieving. We can be deviously engaging in many different ways!
EDIT to add: Sometimes, a helping hand in the form of QUALIFIED and EXPERIENCED counselors (and not quacks like me or even well-meaning friends) does make a great difference, because the good counselors, if you give yourself a chance to find out, are actually friends who will help you help yourself get out of the hole by helping you identify and analyse what you're feeling and going through, and how to explore ways to overcome what's holding you back. There's no shame to ever say, 'Hey, I could use a friend to help me' in life. It's only fools and those who really have lesser guts in life that try to act brave and refuse (qualified) help.
Ed, also please be aware of How to Recognize Signs of Depression (http://www.disabled-world.com/artman...-anxiety.shtml), and seek assistance if you find yourself going into a state of depression. Like vicious cancer, it's easier to manage depression at the earlier stages. If you need further references, or info on where to get assistance, please let me know.
Doctor Luuub signing out.
Last edited by Dream Merchant; 16th August 2008 at 07:26 PM.
OK Quack Lub, eh i mean Lub Quack....eeps..i mean Dr Lub.. I agree with this point of urs..... "If you can, lock away any memorabilia of the two of you. Gifts, photos, old SMSes etc. Practice 'Out-of-sight, out-of-mind'. and ya "ACCEPTANCE."
No matter how much Lub or advices are been given, it still need oneself to stand up. "Outsiders" can only hear or be there when u need them. After all it still need yourself.
Time will heal everything, it just matter how long does it take. Some fast, some could take a life time or some even wait till their last breathe.
Everyone been there done there, just look around you. Relationship is not all in life, we do know it hurts sometime when things dont work out. All you need out just to release your this "energy" of yours out now, find your most comfortable ways to do it. As we handle it differently
That's what i always call it "Emotions over Mind"
Last edited by bovine; 16th August 2008 at 07:42 PM.
hope this might help or just to understand more
Tupi, sorry, but I beg to disagree. No offense.
Time by itself does not heal pain, or anything else.
It's a fallacy that people use on us when they are not aware of the process of pain and it's psychological impact, as well as the definitions and stages ... and the steps needed to overcome pain and loss in life.
So out of kindness and compassion, they just tell us 'It's OK, time will heal everything' (because they don't know what else to say) ... so we live our lives believing that, and when someone else comes along that's hurting, we pass on them the same (well-meaning) belief.
What a hurting person needs is compassion, but more importantly, be equipped with the knowledge that will be the tools that he or she needs, to heal from the inside.
Last edited by Dream Merchant; 16th August 2008 at 07:45 PM.
Real, impactful, meaningful healing takes one simple thing - reconciliation.
But to reconcile with something, be it a lost love, the death of a loved one or pet, acute hatred over childhoods abuses etc, takes on different and specific therapies, approaches and steps, and the process of healing takes at least an understanding of the 5 basic stages of pain (with reference to 'loss' in life).
It may appear that the effects of pain may have gotten less over time, but how then do you explain the numerous cases where no vestige of healing takes place, or in fact, deeper pain, changes in perception, embitterment etc takes over the person's life, if 'Time heals all wounds'?
It can be put very simply - to heal - it's going to take conscious decisions to want to heal, and HARD WORK. Not just sitting on one's butt hoping that Father Time will heal anything. It's a common fallacy (that time heals all wounds), and no matter how well-meant it may be, it's still a lie, and the last thing I would want to do to someone already going through a difficult stage in life is weigh the person down with what is not true and concepts that may hamper that person's recovery.
All the different facets of experiences, emotions, memories, impact, perspectives etc, all need to be understood and applied in one's life in appropriate manners, but that leads to another issue: How many people even know the various definitions of emotions, somethings which everyone has to live with whether they like it or not, their processes and impact, let alone more difficult aspects like how to overcome pain and loss, and to start a new life?
Last edited by Dream Merchant; 16th August 2008 at 08:01 PM.
Memories are one of the most beautiful things that human could have
gread advices for the young such as myself