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Thread: EXPOSE yourself - XI

  1. #981
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    The New Priest:

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am
    worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
    nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
    11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
    12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
    13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
    14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  2. #982
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    1st Scene . . .

    Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their little
    son.
    Daddy : Oh!!! You Bitch!
    Mommy : What?? You *******!
    Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and *******??
    At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
    Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen, Son.
    Son : Oh I see!

    2nd Scene . . .
    Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there
    they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'.
    Mommy was reading the papers.
    Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
    At this moment, Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something
    to say.
    Mommy : It means coats and hats, Son.
    Son :Oh I see!

    3rd Scene . . .
    Daddy was shaving his beard and Son passed by the toilet. Suddenly,
    Daddy cut himself and screamed . . .
    Daddy : "OH ****!!"
    Son : "Daddy, what's ****?"
    At this moment, Daddy's eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something
    to say.
    Daddy : It means shaving cream, Son.
    Son : Oh I see

    4th Scene . . .
    Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey into the
    stove.
    The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said . . .
    Mommy : Oh ****!
    Son : Mommy, what's ****?
    At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
    Mommy : It means stuffing, Son.
    Son : Oh I see!

    5th Scene . . .
    It's Christmas eve! Little Son exuberantly opened the door to let all is
    uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
    Proudly, he said . . .
    Son : Welcome in, *******s and Bitches! Please put all your breasts
    and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are busy at the
    moment.You see, Daddy is putting **** on his face upstairs and Mommy
    is ****ing the turkey in the kitchen, but don't worry, they'll be out
    here in a minute!!
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  3. #983
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Man Falls Asleep At Church


    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
    local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
    husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
    I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
    motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
    good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
    this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
    ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
    hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
    your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
    Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
    notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
    motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
    husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
    him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
    and shove it up your ass!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  4. #984
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

    Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  5. #985
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Your Loving Husband.

    PS. Sure is hot down here.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  6. #986
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
    on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  7. #987
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
    and go back for more.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  8. #988

    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    jIA yu Zac!

    1K1K1K YEAAAA!!!



  9. #989
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
    wrong ones.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  10. #990
    Senior Member Leong23's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    ups ups ups

  11. #991
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
    know what floor your on.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  12. #992
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
    a while, let the doors close, and say to the air, "Hi Greg. How's your day
    been?"
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  13. #993
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
    scream, "That's mine!"
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  14. #994
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.


    seems suitable for us.... hahah
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  15. #995
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
    ask if they have an apointment.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  16. #996
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
    play.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  17. #997
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
    them if they can hear ticking.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  18. #998
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
    procedures and exits with the passengers.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  19. #999
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    Things to do in the elevator

    12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

    13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

    14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
    don't panic, they open again!"

    15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

    16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

    17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

    18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
    muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

    19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
    inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

    20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
    wall, without getting off.

    21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
    horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

    22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
    passengers.

    23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

    24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

    25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
    announce, "I have new socks on".

    26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
    the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  20. #1000
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE yourself - XI

    And it's time to close this thread...

    HOPE you had an enjoyable time here with the EXPOSERS....

    the next thread is coming right up.....
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

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