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Thread: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

  1. #521
    Member Jimmy81's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by zac08 View Post
    The BEST salesman


    A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
    "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

    Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

    The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
    "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

    Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

    The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
    "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

    Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
    "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

    "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
    LOL!!!

  2. #522
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    The SUPER salesman

    A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

    "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
    "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

    "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

    He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

    "How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
    "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

    "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
    "What's that?" he asked.
    "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

    He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

    "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

    "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention -
    so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  3. #523
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Lipstick

    According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
    BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

    A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
    She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

    He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

    Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  4. #524
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Little Johnnie

    The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

    Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
    Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

    Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

    Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
    'Beautiful, just ****in' BEATUIFUL!' "
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  5. #525

    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by zac08 View Post
    The SUPER salesman

    A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

    "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
    "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

    "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

    He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

    "How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
    "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

    "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
    "What's that?" he asked.
    "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

    He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

    "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

    "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention -
    so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"


  6. #526
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Condoms





























































    Which condom would you use....

    Nike Condoms: Just do it.

    Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

    Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

    Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

    Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

    Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

    Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

    Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

    Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

    Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

    New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

    California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

    Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

    KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

    Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

    Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

    Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

    The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

    General Electric: We bring good things to life!

    AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

    Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

    Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

    Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

    M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

    Chevron: use them? people do.

    Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

    MCI: for friends and family

    Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

    The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

    Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

    United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

    The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

    Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

    Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

    Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

    Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

    McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

    Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

    Burger King: Have it your way

    Dairy Queen: We treat you right

    AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
    Michael Lim
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  7. #527
    Member tainted's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by zac08 View Post
    So... any teachers in the house??
    i was a teacher for 3 months......
    boyyyyy did i get all those.....
    i snicker and laugh when i mark essays.....

  8. #528
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Credit Card Commercial That Never Was



    Cover Charge: $15.00
    Round of Drinks: $23.00
    Table Dance: $30.00
    Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
    Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
    A Round of Shots: $34.00
    Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
    Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
    Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
    Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

    ...........PRICELESS!
    Michael Lim
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  9. #529
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by tainted View Post
    i was a teacher for 3 months......
    boyyyyy did i get all those.....
    i snicker and laugh when i mark essays.....
    Wahahahaha.... sad hor...
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  10. #530
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    TEN HUSBANDS


    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

    What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

    "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

    "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
    Michael Lim
    My Flickr Site

  11. #531
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    NSFW

    Come visit my Flickr :)

  12. #532
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Gay man's last fun


    Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

    He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'

    'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.

    The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

    The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"

    The gay man reesponded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"
    Michael Lim
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  13. #533
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    How about 3 wishes.



    A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

    The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

    "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

    So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

    So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

    She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

    I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

    She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

    She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

    Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

    I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
    Michael Lim
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  14. #534
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Wife and best friend!


    A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

    "Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

    "Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

    "Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

    "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

    "Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

    "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
    Michael Lim
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  15. #535
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    I used my head


    Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

    The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

    The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

    When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

    The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
    Michael Lim
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  16. #536
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Pick-Up Lines Galore!


    I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

    (Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

    Nice legs....what time do they open?

    Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

    You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

    I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

    I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

    Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

    I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

    Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

    You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

    I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

    You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

    You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

    Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

    Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

    My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
    Michael Lim
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  17. #537

    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    ZAC ZAC ZAC BABY, YOU'RE KILLIN US!!!!!!


  18. #538
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Ok... I'm tired... time for my 3rd cuppa coffee
    Michael Lim
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  19. #539

    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by zac08 View Post
    Ok... I'm tired... time for my 3rd cuppa coffee
    Screw the cup; I'll brew you a barrel!

  20. #540
    Senior Member zac08's Avatar
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    Default Re: EXPOSE Yourself - VII

    Quote Originally Posted by Dream Merchant View Post
    Screw the cup; I'll brew you a barrel!
    Cannot... must drink slowly one.... hahahaha
    Michael Lim
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