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Thread: How to be a cool photographer

  1. #1
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    Default How to be a cool photographer

    Something funny i came across.

    HOW TO BE A COOL PHOTOGRAPHER

    1. The first rule of a cool photographer: Do NOT show your photographs.

    2. The second rule of a cool photographer: Do not show your photographs! If somebody asks you to show them - make an excuse. Tell about terabytes of raw images on your computer, being busy, copy and other rights, agreements with "Harper's Bazaar", "Esquire", and other fancy magazines and advertisement agencies.

    3. If you have a blog, post there a few photos of renown photographers with moderately positive comments such as "That's how one should do it!". Theorise a lot!

    4. As an exception, you can post 2-3 abstract-looking photos with a note "I am just fooling around" or "these are my juvenile experiments". No more than that!

    5. Register on all possible forums, mailing lists, websites devoted to photography. Post often, criticise moderately, without fanaticism. Use expressions like "so-so", "boring ****", "the horizon level is off", "faded colours", "is there an idea?" "is there a concept?", etc. Really cool photographer can always find something to criticize. Never praise. Mock newbies until their full destruction.

    6. Learn the terminology. The words "expocorrection", "bracketing", "crop", "polarisation" should always be in your arsenal. Use them!

    7. Learn the jargon and use it fearlessly.

    8. Disdain the rules, but ridicule those who disregard them.

    9. Learn names of 2-3 famous photographers, and know the Cliff's notes description of their work. Use this when theorising and criticising.

    10. Install the latest version of Photoshop. Master the "stamp" tool. Tell everybody that you don't use Photoshop on principle. Ridicule all who uses it.

    11. Photo filters are crouches for disabled. Universal lenses are suitable for handless and footless. A really cool photographer uses different lenses for each situation, and uses his feet and head for moving objects closer and farther away.

    12. Buy a camera. Remember, Canon belongs to cheap pop-culture; Panasonic, Sony, Olympus and Konica are all garbage. In the worst case, buy Nikon or Pentax, but you'd be better off with Leica or Hasselblad. If you don't have enough money, buy a wide-angle "Kiev". You don't need to put any expensive film in it - just carry the camera with you.

    13. The more lenses, flashes, filters, exponometers are in your photobag, the cooler you are!

    14. Cool pros use film or the most expensive digital SLR's. If you don't have enough money for 1D Mark, carry an old film camera, motivating it by the fact that digital is inferior to the film. Argue about wrong colour reproduction, low resolution, and the young age of the technology.

    15. If you are using a DSLR, claim that you ignore the screen and even the built-in exponometer, setting everything based on your vision and expertise.

    16. Get a friend with a photo-studio and drink with him regularly.

    17. Every so often, disappear for a couple of days. Claim that you had a large-volume contract and you were stuck in the studio, or that you flew in the "National Geographic" helicopter to shoot geysers in Kamchatka.

    18. Display on your desk a certificate of some photo-school, but don't forget to mention that you have outgrown your teachers.

    19. Memorise Ken Rockwell's article. Disprove it or substantiate it depending on the situation.

    20. Learn all the camera models back to the 40s. Read the new releases, and know all modern cameras, lenses, flashes.

    21. Be aware of photo exhibitions. You don't need to attend them, familiarising yourself with the reviews would suffice.

  2. #2
    Member lennyl's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    I'd comment on this, but I need to rush off to catch the National Geographic helicopter to shoot geysers in Kamchatka

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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    this is a really needless post. why? because everyone in clubsnap is just wayyy too cool to even reply to this, they already know it by heart.

    me? i'm hawt. LOL

  4. #4
    Senior Member Leong23's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Base what i see, i realizes that CS is a very cool site with lots of cool photographer..... sadly i'm not one of those.......

  5. #5
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Leong23 View Post
    Base what i see, i realizes that CS is a very cool site with lots of cool photographer..... sadly i'm not one of those.......
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:


  6. #6
    Senior Member Cheesecake's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:

    all hail the great one!!
    You'll Never Walk Alone! - i have the best job in the world!

  7. #7

    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:

    This is a legend, no one will be able to learn from him, a master of it's own.
    Eat breath LIVERPOOL!!!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Leong23 View Post
    Base what i see, i realizes that CS is a very cool site with lots of cool photographer..... sadly i'm not one of those.......
    You can be cool too if you use a pink Mac Book to post process and edit your files:


  9. #9
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:


    coolest photographer of the years, of the planet.......absolutely agreed wait wait..i should say "porno-grapher"

    coolest pornographer
    KIM & PPY
    Black Camp F100,D90, AFD 35mm f2.0, Voigtlander Cosina 58mm Nokton Classic F1.4.

  10. #10

    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:

    he needs to improve his white-balance settings...

  11. #11
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:

    the living legend! my idol... please come back and show us more of your great works!
    Games of Thrones.....

  12. #12
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by dfstan View Post
    the living legend! my idol... please come back and show us more of your great works!
    It's injustice that such a talented photographer is forced to give up his great art.

  13. #13

    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    No one I repeat no one can be as cool as this photographer:

    use one of this



    guaranteed coolest photographer ever

  14. #14
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    I always thought that for a photographer to be cool, he must have a ponytail and wear ear-ring, and wear crumpled clothes.
    Sony Alpha system user. www.pbase.com/synapseman

  15. #15
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by synapseman View Post
    I always thought that for a photographer to be cool, he must have a ponytail and wear ear-ring, and wear crumpled clothes.
    That one is modern cool photographer. Now we talking post-modern man...hehe.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by calebk View Post
    That one is modern cool photographer. Now we talking post-modern man...hehe.
    Post-modern cool photographer wears Japanese slippers, lip gloss and eye shadows.

    He doesn't carry camera bag but wraps his camera in old newspapers.

    He sometimes sings Hokkien Pop while he shoots and mixes Hokkien with cool Singlish.

    He holds his tight trousers up with a string intead of a belt.

    He idolizes Edison Chen as the saviour of all unhappy girls.
    Last edited by Sion; 27th May 2008 at 10:05 AM.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Sion's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by synapseman View Post
    I always thought that for a photographer to be cool, he must have a ponytail and wear ear-ring, and wear crumpled clothes.
    A cool photographer must learn how to move like this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-ZGHWjzOv8

  18. #18
    Senior Member Cheesecake's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a cool photographer

    Quote Originally Posted by Sion View Post
    Post-modern cool photographer wears Japanese slippers, lip gloss and eye shadows.

    He doesn't carry camera bag but wrap his camera in old newspapers.

    He sometimes sings Hokkien Pop while he shoots and mixes Hokkien with cool Singlish.

    He holds his tight trousers up with a string intead of a belt.

    He idolizes Edison Chen as the saviour of all unhappy girls.
    hey hey! description seems to fit me!
    You'll Never Walk Alone! - i have the best job in the world!

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