Somehow managed to find something I wrote ages ago buried deep in my cousin's email archives.
© 2003 David Lang
You know you're a singaporean when....
1. Borders is better known
>as the national library
>2. Newater tastes so bad you'd rather drink your own ****. Wwaaaiittt a
>3. Half of singapore's economy can be found in neoprint machines
>4. Your presidents' name rhymes with cockanarthan
>5. You'd willingly spend thousands of dollars on a car but blatantly refuse
>to pay $1.20 for parking
>6. Your girlfriends cant finish their 2.4km runs under half an hour but
>would cover the entire length of orchard road and back in 7 nanoseconds
>7. You cant remember the last time the "great robinsons sale" ended
>8. You elect PCK as the next prime minister
>9. You think chicken rice is the national food and is god's gift to the
>world next to beer and weed
>10. Talking **** is more believable than the local evening news
>11. You speak better english than your english teacher
>12. You're able to swear in hokkien so fluently the f word is redundant
>13. You cant punctuate a sentence without lah, leh or lor.
>14. When a green man means saunter across the road and a flashing green man
>15. Your mother loves you more when you get into RI than when you were born
>16. You'd rather SMS for 1/2 an hour than get the same message conveyed in
>3mins by talking on the phone.
>17. CS and IRC are national sports/activities and DDR gets you more
>motivated and worked out than the national "work out".
>18. A multi-million dollar world class center of the arts is better known
>as a spikey green fruit with a foul stench.
>19. You're not an honourable husband if you havent donated your liver to
>20. "SSCCCUUUSSSEEE" is an acceptable method of getting someone to shove
>21. The entire day is spent reciting every-single-station on the MRT lines.
>22. You've forgotten what it feels like to speak softly into the phone.
>23. You still think you open and close a light.
>24. When boasting that you live in a culturally diverse society actually
>means you swear in 5 different languages.
>25. 3. When a british guy farts and says "pardon me", an american guy farts
>and says "excuse me", but a singaporean farts and says "wasnt me!"
>26. A red light means go unless there's a camera, a green light means hit
>the blind pedastrian crossing the road and an amber means disregard the old
>lady shuffling her way across the street for it's pedal to the metal
>27. When it doesnt phase you that 4 out of 4 million people turned up to
>protest against the war on iraq (whereby million and millions of innocent
>lives will be lost) but you'd fight over your mother's grave for a hello
>28. You run for cover when there's a woman behind the wheel of a merc. You
>call the police when there's a taxi driver next to the woman in the merc
>and you hide for god given life when there's a SBS bus behind all of them
>29. When "isolate yourself in fear of SARS" becomes "Hey let's go down to
>30. Porn is banned but most kids at 11 are getting their sex ed off kazaa
>and can teach their teachers a thing or two
>31. When you've sung the national anthem and said the pledge every morning
>for 15 years but still have absolutely no clue wtf they mean.
>32. When chicks dig bands like F4
>33. Give me a second, still trying to get over 32.
>34. oo and bands like "comic boyz" and "5566". wtf man?
>35. For the love of god, will someone kill zai zai and get it over and done
>36. As the malaysian saying goes, "The chinese will do the work, the malays
>will get the credit and the indians will get the blame"
>37. When our education standards are among the worlds' highest but we
>persist to literally buying foreign talent.
>38. Foreign talent = ang moh who speaks chimology littered with random
>big/long/complicated words that have absolutely no use but to condenscend
>39. You're labelled a 'quitter' when you leave the country to contribute
>your talents elsewhere but its ok for stayers with a load of potential to
>be overshadowed by white foreign talent
>40. You cant tuck your shirt in without having the back part of it out.
>41. Disappearing forests of the world can be attributed to our students
>studying for their Os
>42. "Serving your nation" is merely 3 years of the prime of your male life
>wasted away to bad food and torture
>43. The singapore flag has exactly the same colours as the nation that
>tortured and mutilated our country just decades ago. repeat after me,
>44. You whince everytime a minister tries to make singapore a "fun city".
>MY GOD YOU JUST ALLOWED BAR TOP DANCING?! for the love of jesus dont get me
>started on chewing gum
>The list goes on, but i'm proud to say that i've fulfilled my duty as a
>singaporean. Most canadians around me now are now made wise to
>the geographical location of singapore (not the middle of mongolia)
>the national language (not mongolian)
>the national swearing phrase (knnccb)
>the fact that they can be fined for chewing gum and jailed for getting a
>blow job (the real reason why singapore's tourism is declining)
hope you enjoyed it. have a good new year everyone!