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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #161
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    Default Answering Machine Messages

    Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:

    1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

    2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

    3. Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    4. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    5. (Sexy female voice with heavy panting). Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in. (Sigh) Oh no, he's out. (Aah) Yes, he's in again. (Ooh) No he's out. (Aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he comes.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  2. #162

    Default

    Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "All you have to do is stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy as he comes out. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you have any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."
    She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up in a car and says, "How much?"
    She says, "A hundred dollars."
    He says "****, all I've got is thirty."
    She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,"What can he get for thirty dollars?"
    Harry says, "A hand job."
    She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
    She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

  3. #163

    Default

    An elderly woman goes to the Doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.
    "What about trying Viagra?" asks the Doctor.
    "Not a chance," says Mrs. Wong "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
    "No problem," replies the Doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
    A week later Mrs. Wong returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
    "Oh it was terrible, just terrible Doctor."
    "What happened?" asks the Doctor.
    "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
    "What was terrible?" said the Doctor, "was the sex not good?"
    "Oh no Doctor the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in that McDonald's again."

  4. #164
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    Default Numbers sentence

    Read this somewhere, just for laughs.

    Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 n 10.
    Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
    This is what he came up with...

    1 day I go
    2 climb up a
    3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and
    4 down. The man rush out and wanted to
    5 with me. I run until I fall
    6 and throw up. So I go into
    7 eleven and grab some
    8 to throw at him. Then I took a
    9 and try to stab him.
    10 God he run away. So, I put the
    9 back and pay for the
    8 and left
    7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am
    6. He said
    5, tomorrow also no need to come back
    4 work. He also asks me to climb a
    3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice
    2 him but I don't know what he
    1.

  5. #165
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    Default

    Taken direct from the Fuji forum at dpreview.... enjoy!

    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
    he was God and I didn't.
    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
    4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
    11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
    18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    19.. Procrastinate Now!
    20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
    23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    24.. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
    25.. He who dies with the most toys is none the less dead.
    26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
    30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  6. #166
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    Default The Cows Corporation

    THE TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad and have tea in the afternoon.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You break for lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
    You charge others for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
    You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
    Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
    When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
    The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
    Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

    A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    One 'cow-peh' and one 'cow-bu'.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  7. #167
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    Default Somewhere in Europe....

    A Chinaman on tour bumped into a European,

    Chinaman:"I'm sorry."
    European:"I'm sorry too."
    Chinaman:"I'm sorry three."
    European:"What are you sorry for?"
    Chinaman:"I'm sorry five."
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  8. #168
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    Default

    haha nice!

  9. #169
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    Default At woodbridge...

    Patient A:"Do you like my new novel?"
    Patient B:"Yes, I like it but just that there are too many characters in it."
    Nurse:"CAN YOU RETURN THE PHONE DIRECTORY, PLEASE!!"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  10. #170
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    Default World's greatest lies!!

    1. Internet : We're free.
    2. Police : We serve the people.
    3. Salesgirl : This dress suits you.
    4. Salesman : This is the last piece, special price for you.
    5. Movie Stars : We're just friends.
    6. Gym Instructor : It's very easy.
    7. Parents : I'll save your ang pow for you.
    8. Wife : (Before going out) I'll be ready in a minute.
    9. Husband : (Looking at another woman) She's not as pretty as you.
    10. Label on food package : No preservatives.
    11. Politician : I did not take a single cent.
    12. Boy : It won't hurt, I promise.
    13. Girl : We can still be friends.

    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  11. #171

    Default BarBQ pit?

    Lady was trying on a dress in a fashion house.
    Husband : Dear, your bum is as big as a BBQ pit.
    Back in home at bedtime,
    Husband : Dear, let's do it.
    Wife : It's a waste lighting up the BBQ pit for a small sausage

  12. #172
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    Default Oldies but goodies....

    These are old jokes but it's always nice to read them again once in a while.... Enjoy!!


    Man : Where are you from?
    Woman : U.S.A
    Man : Are you here on vacation?
    Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
    Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
    Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
    Man : !!@#$%


    A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.
    When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.
    Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
    Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.


    Two young boys was having their morning breakfast, consist of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finish his meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just beforehe feed the turtles and the fish, his mother came into the room. "Don't do it, Kamal",she said."They'll die." The boys face
    turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then why did you gave it to us ?"


    Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
    Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
    Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
    Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
    Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
    Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


    Ben: These ice-cream are too expensive
    John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.
    Ben: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!


    Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!
    Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! We charge for having to search for it!
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  13. #173
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    Default Difference between Girl & Woman

    1. You only need to spend $1 for a candy to make a girl happy but you need to spend $10k on a diamond ring to make a woman happy.

    2. If you're with 10 girls, others will say you're loving but when you're with 10 woman, others will say you're a flirt.

    3. Girls grow to be prettier, woman grow to be uglier (older).

    4. A girl will know that you're nice to her, a woman besides knowing you're nice to her, also wants to know how much you earn, what car you drive.

    5. When you're seen with other girls, they will want to be friends. But when you're seen with other woman.... good luck to you.

    6. A girl just needs to be told that she is a good girl. A woman needs to be told mushy words like 'I love you' plus you got to spend money sending her SMS.

    7. A girl is easy to understand. No one ever understands a woman.

    8. You can take a girl on a bicycle ride, but you'll need a decent car to take a woman on a ride.

    9. A girl only needs to hug a teddy bear to sleep, but a woman needs lots of mushy words, plus a 30min battle before she goes to sleep.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  14. #174
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    Default Men's life, woman's life

    Woman's life is hard.

    Morning wash clothes
    Afternoon hang clothes
    Evening keep clothes
    At night find clothes

    Man's life even harder

    Morning work hard
    Afternoon work hard
    At night work even harder
    Work hard not enough, still must remain hard


    Have a good week ahead!!
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  15. #175
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    Default Re: Just for laughs

    In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
    (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer -
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos -
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
    (The shoplifter special!)

    12. On a bar of Dial soap -
    DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
    (And that would be how?)

    13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
    (Too late! You lose!)

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
    (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
    WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
    (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
    (As opposed to use in outer space?)

    17. On a Japanese food processor -
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
    (Now I'm curious.)

    18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
    WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
    (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
    (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
    (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

    21. On a child's superman costume -
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
    (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

    22. On some frozen dinners:
    SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nightly sleep aid:
    WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
    eat. drink. shoot

  16. #176
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    Default The beauty of the Chinese Characters

    晶對品說 :「你們家難道沒有裝修 ?」

    呂對昌說 :「和你相比 , 我家徒四壁 .」

    9對6說 :「倒什麼立 ? 小心腦充血 !」

    由對甲說 :「你什麼時候學會倒立了 ?」

    夫對天說 :「我總算盼到了出頭之日 .」

    屎對尿說 :「乾的和稀的就是不一樣 .」

    也對她說 :「當老板了 , 出門還帶祕書?」

    木對束說 :「別以為穿上馬甲我就不認得你了 !」

    丙對兩說 :「你家什麼時候多了一個人 , 結婚了 ?」

    非對韭說 :「我們蜈蚣也會走鋼絲呀 ?」

    日對旦說 :「你什麼時候學會玩滑板了 ?」

    大對爽說 :「就四道題 , 你怎麼全做錯了 ?」

    卓對罩說 :「戴什麼頭巾 , 想裝賓拉登啊 ?」

    女對子說 :「我們結婚吧 , 那樣才『好』!」

    乒對乓說 :「你我都一樣 , 一等殘廢軍人 .」

    兵對丘說 :「看看戰爭有多殘酷 , 兩條腿都炸飛了 !」

    弋對戈說 :「別以為你帶了一把劍我就怕你 , 有種單挑 !」

    長對張說 :「你以為你是后羿啊 , 沒事整天背著弓幹嘛
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  17. #177
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    Default Re: Just for laughs

    比快

    三個小孩看電視轉播奧運百米決賽,

    其中一位說:有什麼了不起,我爸跑的話只要9.48秒。

    另一位說:我爸更神,起跑的一瞬間,他就出現在終點了。

    最後一位說:我爸才厲害,公司五點下班,

    他四點半已經坐在家裡看電視了....


    遁逃法

    一天小李要去相親,

    因為沒看過對方,擔心她長得太醜,

    於是交代朋友十分鐘後call他的call機,就可以藉call機遁逃。

    到了之後,小李發現女方驚為天人,

    於是心想待會call機響不要回就好,

    突然,美女的大哥大響了,

    說:「對不起,朋友找我有事,我要先走...」


    碟仙

    一日,三個女學生決定放學留下來玩碟仙,

    她們將窗簾拉上後便開始了......

    進行到一半,突然碟仙越轉越快,

    學生們不禁尖叫了起來,學姐趕緊跑過來。

    「發生了什麼事?」學姐問,學妹拼命搖頭,

    u妳們是不是問了他死亡的地點....還是怎麼死的....?」學姐又問,

    「沒有啊!」學妹們說,

    「我們只是問他能轉的多快而已...」


    神奇吸塵器

    一個逐門推銷的吸塵器售貨員來到新社區的第一戶人家。

    他敲了門,一個女人來應門。

    在她說話之前,他跑進客廳,把馬糞倒得整個地毯都是。

    他說,『女士,如果這個神奇吸塵器沒法把馬糞清乾淨的話,

    我就把它們全吃了。』

    女人說,『你要不要加蕃茄醬呢?

    我們剛搬進來,還沒電可以用呢!』


    口吃

    話說小明從小就有口吃.....常常說話ㄚ來ㄚ去的...

    有天...小明來到一家雜貨店...

    小明:老...老...老..板...

    老闆:什麼事....

    小明:汽...汽..汽水...一...瓶..瓶...多少...錢...

    老闆:五十塊啦....

    小明:開...開..

    此時老闆就把汽水給他打開....波一聲...

    小明:開...開...什麼....玩...笑...


    豬腦

    一天三個壯男要去小吃攤吃消夜,

    於是三個人決議都點「豬腦湯」,

    但因為店中人多吵雜,

    於是端菜小姐為了方便作業便大喊:

    「豬腦!豬腦!三個豬腦...」,

    然而三個壯男竟不約而同的回答:

    「我們我們...這裡這裡,在這裡...」
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  18. #178
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    Default Re: Just for laughs

    21st Century...

    Our communication : Wireless
    Our dress : Topless
    Our telephone : Cordless
    Our cooking : Fireless
    Our youth : Jobless
    Our food : Fatless
    Our labour : Effortless
    Our conduct : Worthless
    Our relation : Loveless
    Our attitude : Careless
    Our feelings : Heartless
    Our politics : Shameless
    Our education : Valueless
    Our follies : Countless
    Our arguments : Baseless
    Our boss : Brainless
    Our Job : Thankless
    Our Salary : Very Very less
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  19. #179
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    Default Re: Just for laughs

    Why I fired my secretary...



    As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning
    boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had
    remembered.


    I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You
    know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to
    lunch, just you and me." I said, "That’s the greatest thing I've heard
    all day. Let's go." We went lunch.


    We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
    little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
    tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
    beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

    I said, "No, I guess not.". She said, "Let's go to my apartment."


    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
    I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.


    She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
    carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children , and
    dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


    And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.
    eat. drink. shoot

  20. #180
    Senior Member +evenstar's Avatar
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    Jan 2004
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    Default Re: Just for laughs

    Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

    They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

    When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

    When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
    speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
    has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

    "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

    He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,this check is only made out for $50."

    "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
    eat. drink. shoot

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