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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #141
    Senior Member afbug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucifer
    Height of patience:
    A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

    Height of frustration:
    A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

    Height of Innocence:
    A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.

    Height of Unemployment:
    Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

    Height of laziness:
    A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

    Height of Competition:
    A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

    Height of Sophistication:
    Sucking nipples with a straw.

    Height of Disgust:
    While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the
    paper.

    Height of Technology:
    Condom with zip.

    Height of Trouble:
    A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itch.
    hahahaha! Height of Unemployment is the ultimate!
    You win liao lor. Lucifer, you're the undisputed king of jokes in CS.

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by afbug
    hahahaha! Height of Unemployment is the ultimate!
    You win liao lor. Lucifer, you're the undisputed king of jokes in CS.




  3. #143
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    A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

    The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

    The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

    A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied "Please join the queue"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  4. #144
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    At times when you cry, no one sees your tears
    When you are worried, no one sees your pain
    When you are happy, no one sees your smile
    Try farting, they'll all look at you for sure


    Man: I wanna buy condom
    Salesgirl: May I hold your penis for size?
    Man : Sure
    Salesgirl: Give him "M"..... give him "L"..... no give him "XL"..... oh ****, give me tissue


    A guy donated blood to his woman. After things got sour, he wanted his blood back.
    The woman threw a bloodly tampon at him & said "I'll pay you in monthly instalment."
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  5. #145
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    Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

    3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

    Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

    Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
    "Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
    "Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
    "I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

    So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
    "Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
    "2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
    "You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
    "I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

    The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
    Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
    Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
    Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  6. #146
    Senior Member Pablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ruthpoh
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
    the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
    new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
    that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red
    and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
    and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
    night?"

    Ha Ha Ha Ha..... that is a good one
    Time, is an effortless construction :)

  7. #147
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    Default More jokes...

    Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't believe me I'll show you." He called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and rushed off to the Showroom. The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

    The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home
    now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali said, "Yes Sir!
    Right away,Sir!" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

    Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

    Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he
    asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what,he can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  8. #148
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    Default Car

    Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to
    remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake,
    Beng asked, 'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it.'

    'No, that won't work' answered Seng. 'People will think we're trying to break in.'

    Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'

    'No,' said Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat hanger.'

    The kan cheong Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  9. #149
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    Default New meanings

    These are the new meanings to the words, please update your dictionary accordingly, thanks.

    Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

    Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    Criminal: A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

    Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

    Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

    Father: A banker provided by nature.

    Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

    Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

    Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

    Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway, "See I am not injured yet!".

    Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

    Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  10. #150
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    Some short takes

    1.

    Tommy brought some toy money to a shop to buy a toy plane.
    Shopkeeper,"Hey kiddo, we don't accept toy money here."
    Tommy,"Why not, you're not selling me a real plane."

    2.

    Teacher,"What do you call the animal that has two legs and wakes you up every morning?"
    Student,"My mum."

    3.

    A drunkard fell from the 3rd storey and people were gathering around trying to help.
    A policeman happened to be nearby and came to assistance, ask the drunkard,"What happened here?"
    Drunkard,"I'm not sure, I just arrived too."

    4.

    Son,"Mum, when did you marry dad?"
    Mum,"We got married before youwere born."
    Son,"Why didn't you wait for me?"

    5.

    Teacher,"What' the most fearsome animal in the water?"
    Tommy,"Shark."
    Teacher,"Good, what's the most fearsome animal on land?"
    Tommy,"My mum."
    Teacher,"What rubbish? Who told you that?"
    Tommy,"My dad."
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  11. #151
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    Default The Desert Trilogy

    An American, a French and a Chinaman crash landed into the Sahara desert.

    Part I

    They were walking aimlessly in a desert when the American found a lamp, he rubbed it and out came a genie who can grant them 3 wishes each.
    American: 1. I want money. 2. I want more money. 3. I want to go home.
    *poof* The American is gone!
    French: 1. I want women. 2. I want more women. 3. I want to go home.
    *poof* The Frenchman is gone!
    Chinaman: 1. I want beer. 2. I want more beer. 3. I want the American and French to come back and drink beer with me.
    *poof* Both the American and Frenchman is back: #^&%&@!$#

    Part II

    They continue their slow journey and this time the Frenchman found a lamp, he rubbed and out came a smaller genie who could only grant them 2 wishes each. After part I, the American and Frenchman decided to let the Chinaman make his wish first.
    Chinaman: 1. I want a beer. 2. Okay thanks, you can go now.
    *poof* The genie is gone. American and Frenchman:@#%$&^(^$#

    Part III

    This time the Chinaman found the lamp, rubbed it and out came a tiny genie who said that he only have powers to grant them one wish each.
    American (thinking that the Chinaman is going to spoil it anyway, decide to have something useful): I want water to last me for a long time.
    *poof* He got lots of water.
    Frenchman (also thinking that the Chinaman is going to spoil things, decide to have something useful as well): I want lots of food to last me all the way.
    *poof* He got plenty of food.
    Chinaman: I want to go home.
    *poof* Chinaman goes home.
    American and Frenchman: &^%&##^##@$#
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  12. #152
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    Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

    The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18.

    The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What?" "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts.

    "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one! The booming voice goes: "Unbelievable!"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  13. #153
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    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman
    wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote
    control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
    figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
    upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    WIFE VS HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
    pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
    day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
    because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
    so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
    explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
    should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
    the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
    the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
    "HEBREWS"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  14. #154
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    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman
    wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote
    control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
    figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
    upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    WIFE VS HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
    pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
    day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
    because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
    so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
    explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
    should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
    the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
    the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
    "HEBREWS"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  15. #155
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    Default Stone drawings

    In Isreal, they found stone drawings:
    A Woman; A donkey, A shovel, A fish, A Cross.
    So they explained that:

    Woman - nominated by women.
    Donkey - they do keep domesticated animal.
    Shovel - they were intelligence and used tools.
    Fish - learned to reap from the sea as well as in land.
    Cross - they were religious people.

    The Jews replied, Hebrew read from right to left.
    Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.

  16. #156
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    Super busy recently Here're some for the weekend...

    ***

    A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

    The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

    ***

    The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

    ***


    Dear doctor,

    My husband and I have two children and would love to have another. But I read that every third child born in the world is Chinese. Being that we are of Italian descent, do you think we should take that chance?

    ***

    And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

    ***

    After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."

    The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  17. #157

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    this thread is really good!!! do keep them coming!!!

  18. #158
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    my friend (financial planner) just sent me this in and email titled 'list of critical illness affecting Singaporeans...'

    __________________________________________________ _____________

    Dear frens,

    The set of critical illness list has been updated with the following
    entries. Hope we all are not victims of the conditions.
    Pls read and be kept informed.

    Assma - Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass, the
    No. 1 disease in Singapore. Civil servants are unusually at risk.

    Dialarrhoea - Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile
    phone to share with them such important information as "I'm now on the MRT"
    or "I'm walking towards the car." Victims can be recognised by large,
    twitching thumb.

    Meesles - Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of
    instant noodles.

    Multiple Spousosis - Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to
    Thailand, Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men
    are at significant risk.

    Yellow Fever - Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction
    amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Singapore. Also known as
    Pinkerton's Disease.

    Totonus - Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression
    at finding out one has not touched lottery.

    Heavytitis - Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several
    variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes
    Heavytitis DD.

    Cybertension - Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet
    access.

    Dyebetes - A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tints are
    the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain
    of blond highlights.

    Chicken Tox - Victims exhibit a great need to talk c***. Incurable and
    highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated
    by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially
    susceptible. Incurable.
    __________________________________________________ _____________

    i think many of us have Chicken Tox

  19. #159
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    One day, a German Florist came to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he paid the Barber and the Barber replied: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service". The Florist was happy and left the shop.

    The next morning when the barber went to his shop, he found a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

    A British Baker came for a haircut and he wanted to pay the Barber and the Barber gave the same reply. The Baker was happy and left the shop.

    The next morning the Barber received a Thank You card and a dozen donuts.

    A Singaporean went for a haircut and he wanted to pay the Barber and he gave him the same reply. The Singaporean was, of course, very happy and left the shop. The next morning the Barber was surprised to see....

    A dozen Singaporeans waiting for a haircut.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  20. #160
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    Default Lawyer joke.

    In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

    Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
    Coroner: No.
    Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
    Coroner: No.
    Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
    Coroner: No.
    Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
    Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

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