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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #121
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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

  2. #122
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    A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

    Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear.

    "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system.

    "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

  3. #123
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    There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

    The truck driver turned and said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

    "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I
    then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drank my poison."

  4. #124
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    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

    The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

    At first the passengers did not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical
    joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers
    are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

    Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last
    moment, the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain.

    "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

  5. #125
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    As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

    For 50 years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

    Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

    "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

    Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

    "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

    "Oh, well... that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

  6. #126
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    There are three couples sitting at the table eating dinner. An Irish couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple.

    The Irish guy said to his wife "Can you pass the honey, Honey."

    The Italian guy said to his wife "Can you pass the sugar, Sugar."

    The Polish guy looks around the table scratches his head and said to his wife, "Can you pass the Ham, you Pig."

  7. #127
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    Jack had a near death experience that changed his life forever.

    One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
    started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off.

    Just when things could not possibly get worse, Jack's foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down.

    Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

  8. #128

    Default Not for Taiwanese to read

    Wat Do you call the SEX ORGAN of small men? COMPACT DICKS
    Of Aliens? LASER DICKS
    Of old men? FLOPPY DICKS
    Of young men? HARD DICKS
    Of Taiwanese men? PIRATED DICKS!

    Excuse me Taiwanese

  9. #129

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    A young boy asks for the difference between Confident and Confidential.
    Dad replys "You are my son, I am CONFIDENT. Your friend is also my son, that's CONFIDENTIAL"

  10. #130
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    Memo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
    The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

    Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

    The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

    Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

    Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

    Memo from Supervisor to staff:

    Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

  11. #131

    Default Doctor & Patient series...

    I.

    Doctor: I'm afraid I've to tell you the truth now.
    Patient: Please tell me, I'm prepared for anything.
    Doctor: Your sickness have reached it's peak and there's no cure now, you will not live to see tomorrow. Is there anyone you want to see right now?
    Patient: I'd like to see another doctor.

    II.

    Doctor: So, what's your problem?
    Patient: I had a dream last night. I was a cow and eating grass.
    Doctor: Oh, don't worry about it, it's just a dream.
    Patient: But when I woke up, half of my blanket is gone!!

    III.

    Patient: Doctor, doctor, you gotta help me!! I drank half a bottle of gasoline yesterday!!
    Doctor: Oh, don't worry. Just remember not to smoke in the next few days.

    IV.

    Patient: Doctor, what are the chances of success of my operation.
    Doctor: Oh, don't worry about it, this is the 98th time I'm doing this.
    Patient: Wow great!! Then I'm sure it'll be a success.
    Doctor: Yup, I sure want to have at least one successful operation.

    V.

    Patient: I ate some oysters and now I'm feeling uncomfortable all over.
    Doctor: Lie down and I'll examine you. When you open the shell, how do the oyster meat look?
    Patient: You mean I've to open the shell to eat the oysters?
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  12. #132
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    A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

    Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

    To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
    right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.

    After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

    With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

    The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

  13. #133
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    Height of patience:
    A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

    Height of frustration:
    A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

    Height of Innocence:
    A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.

    Height of Unemployment:
    Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

    Height of laziness:
    A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

    Height of Competition:
    A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

    Height of Sophistication:
    Sucking nipples with a straw.

    Height of Disgust:
    While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the
    paper.

    Height of Technology:
    Condom with zip.

    Height of Trouble:
    A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itch.

  14. #134
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    The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

    "Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

    "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

    "Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

  15. #135
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    Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said,
    "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

    The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

    The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that
    when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

  16. #136
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    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

    "NO," the blonde yelled back,"IT'S A SCARF!"

  17. #137
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

  18. #138
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    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
    foursome of men playing the next hole.

    Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.

    After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

    To which he replied: "It feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

  19. #139
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    The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from neighboring Peru.

    'Pedro,' he ordered his aide-de-camp, 'I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Peruvian military activity.'

    'Si, Capitano,' replied Pedro. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

    'There are many planes coming, Capitano,' he promptly radioed back.

    'Friends or enemies?' the Captain demanded urgently.

    Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. 'They're flying very closely together, Capitano,' he replied. 'I think they must be friends.'

  20. #140
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    A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

    'Just water,' says the priest.

    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

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