4th March 2005, 08:31 AM
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!
4th March 2005, 08:32 AM
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time"
4th March 2005, 08:34 AM
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
4th March 2005, 08:36 AM
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on
4th March 2005, 08:37 AM
Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
4th March 2005, 08:38 AM
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!
4th March 2005, 08:39 AM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
4th March 2005, 08:40 AM
A manager walks into his office...
A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde crying. He approaches her and asks why she's crying. She tells him she just found out her mother died. The manager tells her to go to take the rest of the day off and not to worry about work. Later, the manager calls the blonde to see how she's doing. The blonde is crying harder than before. He tries to console her, but he couldn't. The blonde says, "I was calling everyone to let them know about my mother's death and I found out something horrible." "What?" the manager replied. "I found out my sister''s mom died too!"
4th March 2005, 08:41 AM
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
I also changed all the days of each week to:
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
4th March 2005, 08:42 AM
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
4th March 2005, 04:53 PM
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.
1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
4th March 2005, 04:54 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red
and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
4th March 2005, 04:55 PM
Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.
Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.
The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer…5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
4th March 2005, 04:55 PM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was."
4th March 2005, 04:56 PM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
" No," he replied sadly, "Arthritis."
4th March 2005, 04:59 PM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a dinner party, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?'
'Well, you might ask him, "Captain Cook made three trips round the world and died during one of them. Which one?" '
The hostess thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,'You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
4th March 2005, 05:45 PM
Barbie Costs What?
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "A Barbie Doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues,
"We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99,
Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99,
Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99,
Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99,
Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and
Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture .... "
4th March 2005, 05:49 PM
A Dinner Conversation
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUBBIE: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUBBIE: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUBBIE: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUBBIE: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUBBIE: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUBBIE: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUBBIE: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - silence - -
4th March 2005, 10:07 PM
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people. So if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
4th March 2005, 10:11 PM
One day, an Ang Moh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.
When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for "sey kok" (forty cents in Cantonese).
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the ****" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his **** and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Hokkien), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?"
The lady replied, "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.
The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"
He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD?"
"OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help,
"TOLONG! TOLONG! ENCIK~~!"
To that, he Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."