Page 5 of 10 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast
Results 81 to 100 of 184

Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #81

    Default

    luc u're the man la

  2. #82
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    nowhere... juz a random stray.
    Posts
    2,227

    Default

    Here's the one I posted in another thread:

    Life Could be worse:

    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was
    astonished to see the bed
    was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then
    she saw an envelope
    propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It
    was addressed,
    "Mom."

    With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope
    and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Mom,
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
    to you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
    because I wanted to avoid a
    scene with Dad and you.

    I've been finding real passion with John and he is so
    nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard,
    and his motorcycle
    clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm
    pregnant and John said that
    we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in
    the woods and has
    a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants
    to have many more
    children with me and that's now one of my dreams
    too.

    John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
    anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading
    it with his friends for
    all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
    to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be
    back to visit so you can
    get to know your grandchildren.

    Your daughter,
    Judith

    PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
    neighbor's house.
    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
    in life than my report card that's in my desk
    center drawer. I love you!
    Call when it is safe for me to come home.

  3. #83
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    nowhere... juz a random stray.
    Posts
    2,227

    Default

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
    actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
    reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
    actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: What is your date of birth?
    > > > A: July fifteenth.
    > > > Q: What year?
    > > > A: Every year.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    > > > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    > > > A: Yes.
    > > > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    > > > A: I forget.
    > > > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    > > > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    > > > Q: How long has he lived with you?
    > > > A: Forty-five years.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    > > > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    > > > Q: And why did that upset you?
    > > > A: My name is Susan.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    > > > A: We both do.
    > > > Q: Voodoo?
    > > > A: We do.
    > > > Q: You do?
    > > > A: Yes, voodoo.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    > > > A: Yes.
    > > > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: She had three children, right?
    > > > A: Yes.
    > > > Q: How many were boys?
    > > > A: None.
    > > > Q: Were there any girls?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    > > > A: By death.
    > > > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Can you describe the individual?
    > > > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    > > > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition ice which I sent to your attorney?
    > > > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    > > > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    > > > A: Oral.
    > > > ====
    > > > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    > > > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    > > > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    > > > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    > > > =====
    > > > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    > > > A: No.
    > > > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    > > > A: No.
    > > > Q: Did you check for breathing?
    > > > A: No.
    > > > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    > > > A: No.
    > > > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    > > > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    > > > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
    > > > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

  4. #84
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    nowhere... juz a random stray.
    Posts
    2,227

    Default

    More redneck humor

    A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the
    supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
    "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
    do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

    About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    15 students raise their hands.

    "That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

    3 students raise their hands.

    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
    Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

    One student way in the back raises his hand.

    The professor is astonished and says, "Son, all the years I've been
    giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
    You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

    The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
    his way up to the podium.

    The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with
    a ghost."

    The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit...From way back there I thought
    you said goats."
    Last edited by Ashleyy; 3rd March 2005 at 02:25 PM.

  5. #85
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    nowhere... juz a random stray.
    Posts
    2,227

    Default

    These are really good ones...go ahead and read 'em...
    --------------------------------

    Boss
    ------
    Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Criminal
    --------
    A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

    Diplomat
    --------
    A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
    that you actually look forward to the trip.

    Doctor
    ------
    A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

    Experience
    ----------
    The name men give to their mistakes.

    Father
    ------
    A banker provided by nature.

    Marriage
    --------
    It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
    degree and woman gains her master's.

    Miser
    -----
    Its a man who lives poor to die rich.

    Rumor
    -----
    News that travels at the speed of sound.

    Tears
    -----
    The hydraulic force by which masculine power is
    defeated by feminine power.

    Worry
    -----
    Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

    Yawn
    ----
    The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

  6. #86
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Neraka
    Posts
    39

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Witness
    luc u're the man la
    Just spreading the laughter.

  7. #87

    Default A Riddle

    To make it straight, she pulls it,
    To make it stand, she rubs it,
    To make it stiff, she licks it,
    To let it in, she pushes it.




    That's true! Threading a needle ain't easy.

  8. #88
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    hahaah this is good.... i stayed up the whole nite going throught all of em... damn good la.. my mom kept coming in my rooms askin me if i was crazy.... laughing so loud in the middle of the nite... whahahahah

  9. #89
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default interview

    Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"

    Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"

    "The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

    Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"

    Ah Beng got the job.

  10. #90
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    A World Bank development official went into a village to help the residents improve economically.

    He immediately felt the reason for the poverty was clear when he saw a man lounging under a tree.

    "Why aren't you working?" he asked.

    "Work for what?" replied the man.

    World Bank Official: "So you can have an income!"

    Man: "For what?"

    World Bank Official: "So you can start saving!"

    Man: "For what?"

    World Bank Official: "So you don't have to work any more!"

    The man looked at him, puzzled, and said: "I'm not working now."

  11. #91
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default Total defence

    Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

    Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo."

    "But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

    "No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside.

    Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

    "But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

    "Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

    After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

    There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

    Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

    Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

    Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

    "Ni n@ be#," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

    "Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

    Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

  12. #92
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default idea

    One day, Mr. Choe Seng Lee walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on Business for two days and needed to borrow $5000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan.

    Mr. Choe then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.

    An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's carpark and parked it there. Two days later Mr. Choe returned and repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $13.07.

    The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?"

    Mr. Choe replied, "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 13 dollars and with security officers to guard somemore?"

  13. #93
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default automatic light

    Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

    He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

    The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

    At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"

  14. #94
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

  15. #95
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    12 Shots

    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

    The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

    The bartender says, "What do you have?"

    The guy says, "75 cents."

  16. #96
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    Got Any Grapes?

    A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

    Confused, the bartender says no.

    ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

  17. #97
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    Give Me A Double

    So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

    The bartender obliges him.

    The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

    So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

    So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

    So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

  18. #98
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    Honeymooners

    A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him....

    Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?
    Man: Well, we got married.
    Clerk: That's good!
    Man: No, that's bad. I wasn't wearing any clothes.
    Clerk: Oh that is bad!
    Man: No, that's good -- she didn't care and she's rich.
    Clerk: Oh, that is good.
    Man: No, that's bad. She won't give me any or spend any of it.
    Clerk: Oh, that's bad.
    Man: No, that's good: She bought a house.
    Clerk: Oh, that's good
    Man: No, that's bad -- it burned down.
    Clerk: Oh that is bad.
    Man: No that's good -- she was in it!

  19. #99
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    A Horse Walks Into a Bar














    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

  20. #100
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    225

    Default

    Knock, knock
    Whos there?
    A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
    Saddam, I think its for you!

Page 5 of 10 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •