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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #61
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    A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

    "What happened to her?"

    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    "Get in line."

  2. #62
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    As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

    The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

    A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

    The husband replied, "I'm watching the soccer match with my son-in-law."

  3. #63
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    A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

    "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

    "Yes, I do," she replied.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"

    "Yes, I remember."

    "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

    "Yes, I do," she said.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

  4. #64
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    A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair.

    While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

    While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

  5. #65
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    SIA - Suffer in Agony

    MAS - Must always suffer

    CAAC (Civil Aviation Adminstration of China) - China Airlines Always crash

    PAL (Philippines Airlines) - Plane Always Late

    ALITALIA (Italian Airlines) - Always Late in Take off and Late in
    Arrival OR Always Late in Take offs and Landings if Any

    TAP (Portugese Airline) - Take Another Plane

    SAF (Singapore Armed Forces) - Serve And Forget or Serve And F...off!

    NAVY - Never Always Volunteer Yourself

    OETI (Ordnance Engineering Training Institute) - Only Eat Talk and Idle

    WITS (Work Improvement Teams) - Waste Individual Time Session OR We Idle Together Session OR Waste Important Time Session

    DHL - Delivery Halfway Lost

    JTC (Jurong Town Council)- Jokers Training Centre

    YMCA - You Must Come Again

    MARLBORO - Man Always Respect Lady Because Of Romance Only

    AIDS - All In Defence of Singapore

    NATO - No Action Talk Only

    MBBS ('Medicinae Baccalaureus' - Bachelor Of Medicine) - Mouth Big,
    Brain Small

    NUS (National University of Singapore) - Never Use Sense OR Not Up to
    Standards OR Nothing Up Stairs

    NTU (Nanyang Technological University) - Ninja Turtle University

    NUSSU (NUS Student Union) - No Use, So Screw Up

    BATA (shoe store) - Buy and Throw Away

    Ph.D - Permanent Head Damage OR Premature Health Deficit

    DUNHILL - Do Undress Nicely, Hope It Lasts Longer

    EDB (Economic Development Board) - Enough, Don't Bluff

    PUB (Public Utilities Board) - Pay Until Broke

    MRTC (Mass Rapid Transit Company) - More Road Tax Coming

    SBS (S'pore Bus Service) - Super Blur Sotong OR Screwedup and Bad Service

    TCS (Television Corporation of Spore) - Talk **** Station

    SDU (Social Development Unit) - Single, Desperate and Ugly OR Sexually Depressed and Unwanted

    GST (Goods and Services tax) - Government Salary Tax

    PSI (air quality measurement) - Please Stay Indoors

    SENTOSA - So Expensive Nothing TO See Actually

  6. #66
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    A seventeen year old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the hell did this to you? I want to know!!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will give her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "Then you ***** her again!!!"

  7. #67
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    A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude".

    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes John, the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

    "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens keeper replied, "Oh! , yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group was silent for a moment.

    Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer, after much thought, said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

  8. #68
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    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog? Now that's cool!

  9. #69
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    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too...

  10. #70
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    One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao(bun). They had a fight but bao was too clumsy and lost badly. He was very angry and he told noodle to stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his pals to assist him.

    Meat bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get them to reinforce him.

    Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish ah bish ah bish and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee was puzzled on why he kena beaten up. He said, "Why u all beat me? What have I done to deserve this?"

    The meat bao said, "Noodle! Dun think u perm your hair then cannot recognise u!"

    Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very angry. So he went to find bee hoon, udon, fried noodles etc to seek revenge. But on the way, they met small bao.

    Maggi mee looked at small bao for a while then told his brothers, "Bra-der! Whack him!" Maggi mee whack small bao harder & harder.

    After the noodles family has left, they asked Maggi Mee why he hated small bao so much and beat him up so badly. Maggi mee said. "At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but then see him act cute, made me so angry."

  11. #71
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    The Pope & the Sikh

    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy.
    Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.

    So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

    The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate.
    To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

    The Pope agreed.

    The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh & the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand & showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him & raised one finger.

    The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope pulled out a wafer & a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

    The Pope stood up & said I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay.

    An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened.

    The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground & showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

    Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh.

    "What happened?" they asked.

    "Well," said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I pointed down to let him know that we were staying right here in this land."

    "Yes, yes & then???" asked the crowd.

    "I don't know", said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch & I took out mine."

  12. #72
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    A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

    Help wanted with following requirements:-
    -Must type 70 words a minute.
    -Must be computer literate.
    -Must be bilingual.
    -An equal opportunity employer.

    A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

    The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

    The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

    So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

    The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

    The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

    The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

  13. #73
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    A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

    "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

  14. #74
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    A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

    The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

    The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."

    The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

    He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will
    apprehend her on arrival."

    "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

    Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

    The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

    "I like it!" says the first man.

    Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

    The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What is going on?"

    The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!

  15. #75
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    A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment.

    As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

    'Good day, how may we help you today?'

    Very uncomfortably, she asks, 'Sir, how much does this rug cost?'

    He answers, 'Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna **** in your pants when you hear what the price is.'

  16. #76
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    A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously.

    Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

    She asks, "I noticed you come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

    The old man replies, "I have come here to pray everyday for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

    The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

    The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."

  17. #77
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    An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

    His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

    After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

    "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

    They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

    "Don't know," said the farmer. "Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!"

  18. #78
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    This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."

    Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.

    The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.

    The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough, the octopus starts to play it.

    The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it.

    He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.

    After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe, the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"

    The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"

  19. #79
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    This guy has four daughters who all live at home.

    One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:
    "Hi, I'm Freddy.
    I'm here to pick up Betty.
    We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
    Is she ready?"

    The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:
    "Hi, I'm Jim.
    I'm here to see Kim.
    We're gonna go for a swim.
    Can I come in?"

    The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:
    "Hi, I'm Joe.
    I'm here to pick up Flo.
    We're gonna go to the show.
    Can she go?"

    The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.

    Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
    "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

    The father shot him.

  20. #80
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    Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors
    and walls

    A budding poet trying his BEST
    Graffiti 1
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Here I lie in stinky vapor,
    Because some ******* stole the toilet paper,
    Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
    Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

    Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

    Washroom Graffiti 2
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Here I sit
    Broken hearted
    Tried to ****
    But only farted

    Someone who had a different experience wrote

    Washroom Graffiti 3
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You're lucky
    You had your chance
    I tried to fart,
    And **** my pants!

    Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets

    Washroom Graffiti 4
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I came here
    To **** and stink,
    But all I do
    Is sit and think.

    There are also people who come in for a different purpose

    Washroom Graffiti 5
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Some come here to sit and think,
    Some come here to **** and stink,
    But I come here to scratch my balls,
    And read the bullshit on the walls...

    Toilets walls are also job advertisement places.......

    Washroom Graffiti 6
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    (written high upon the wall)
    If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Civil Defence
    Department wants you.

    Ministry of The Environment advertisement

    Washroom Graffiti 7
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    We aim to please!
    You aim too! Please!

    Washroom Graffiti 8
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Seen above a urinal:
    Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
    We don't piss in your ashtrays!

    Washroom Graffiti 9
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    On the inside of a toilet door:

    Patrons are requested to remain seated
    throughout the entire performance.

    Washroom Graffiti 10
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:

    We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool

    Washroom Graffiti 11
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

    Welcome to our ool.
    Notice there's no P in it.
    Please keep it that way.

    This should teach you a lesson

    Washroom Graffiti 12
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Sign seen at a restaurant:
    The hands that clean these toilets also make your food,
    please aim properly.

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