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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #41
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    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit, anyway."

  2. #42
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    Okay..just a few for the road.....


    "Marketing management" - Below are fine examples of what happens when
    marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable
    way:

    Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
    "Suffer from diarrhea."

    Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to
    find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for
    the manure stick.

    Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
    American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

    The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was
    translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so
    refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

    When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
    packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they
    learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
    what's inside, since most people can't read English.

    An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
    which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
    shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

    In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
    "Schweppes Toilet Water."

    Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings
    your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

    When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
    say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company
    mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the
    ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

    The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
    Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of
    signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
    "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then
    researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,
    "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

    Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good"
    came out as "eat your fingers off."

    When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
    apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."

    After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the
    car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

    Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
    notorious porno magazine.


    and then some.....


    A TOUGH ONE

    A man tries to enter heaven but first he has a chat
    with St. Peter, keeper of the Pearly Gates.
    St. Peter explains that it is not easy to get into heaven.
    There are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed.
    St. Peter asked the man several questions.
    Was he religious in life? Did he attend church?
    Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to
    charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?

    The man answered, "No".

    St. Peter said, "Not good, not good."
    Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody
    does something nice sometime. Work with me,
    I'm trying to help. Now think!"

    The man says, "There was this little old lady. I
    came out of a store and found her surrounded by
    a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were
    shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I
    threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and
    got her purse back. I helped her to her feet.
    Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker
    and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean
    he was and then I spit in his face."

    "Wow, said St. Peter,
    "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

    "Oh, about ten minutes ago"





    After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and
    sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by
    some knocks on the door of the cab.
    "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.
    "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is
    awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
    "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a
    little, he writes on a piece of paper: 'I don't know the time.' He
    sticks the paper to his windshield.
    But he is awoken again -- "It's 5:25," says another jogger.





    A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Dada, pack
    up your things. I just won the Hong Pao $10 million lottery first prize!!"
    Dada replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
    The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
    house by noon!"



    Last but not least...another "marketing tip".....




    A definition of Marketing that makes sense....

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
    fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One
    of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's
    fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
    telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
    bed." That's Telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
    your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door
    for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
    say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
    says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.




    Too bad this place is bordering on goodie two shoes....got some killer nasty ones hahahah.....

  3. #43
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    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both."

    "Both?", the architect and the artist exclaimed.

    Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

  4. #44
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    Four Engineers, a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer were travelling in a car when, suddenly, the car stopped.

    "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again" said the mechanical engineer.

    "Well," said the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system."

    "I think it might be a grounding problem," said the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug wire."

    All three turned to the computer engineer who had said nothing. "Well, what do you think?" they asked.

    He replied, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work!"

  5. #45
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    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

    She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

    The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

    "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

    "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

    "Like this?"

    "A little more..."

    "Like this?"

    "No. A little more..."

    "Like this?"

    "Yes. Does that hurt?"

    "A little bit."

    "Now stretch it over your head!"

  6. #46
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    Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

    Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

    "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

    Without missing a beat, the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

  7. #47
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    Once there was a wedding dinner in China. The dinner occupied only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists.

    As the wedding couple hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "KAN PEI" (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.

    One Caucasian gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. "KAN PEI" ...."KAN....PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued.

    Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted. "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU!"

  8. #48

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    Haha... nice collection you have there, Lucifer...

    Auntie Goh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

    Auntie Goh : "What is that shiny object ?"
    Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
    Auntie Goh : "What does it do ?"
    Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
    Auntie Goh : "I'll buy it"

    The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask

    Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
    Auntie Goh : "It's a thermos flask."
    Boss : "What does it do?"
    Auntie Goh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
    Boss : "What do you have in it! ?"
    Auntie Goh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke"
    Pictures always should have a special story behind it or a special meaning to the photographer.

  9. #49

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    Quote Originally Posted by porn-star


    If you think your job sucks....


    missing Santa found




    Try reading the new names..
    I finally found the santa pic again!! Thanks!!

  10. #50

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    Why is a woman like a pack of cards?
    Because you need a HEART to love her,
    FLOWERS to pamper her,
    A DAIMOND to marry her,
    And a SPADE to burry her with!!!

  11. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hitman
    Haha... nice collection you have there, Lucifer...
    Still got some more...

  12. #52

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucifer
    Still got some more...

    let it roll!!!!

  13. #53
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    Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
    Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said, "Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!"

    Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
    Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, "Relac lah! Tomorrow also can eat!"

    Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
    Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.

  14. #54
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    One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

    However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

    However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

    At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"

  15. #55
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    A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah, right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

    The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands
    before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

    Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
    is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

    The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a
    muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
    sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
    Last edited by Lucifer; 3rd March 2005 at 12:10 PM.

  16. #56
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    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current
    events."

    "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

    "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Tooth brushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like ****!' "

    Then I would say, " It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
    Last edited by Lucifer; 3rd March 2005 at 12:15 PM.

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    The guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Father (F): "Son, what happened yesterday?"

    Son (S): "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and gave mom a black eye."

    (F): "So... Why is everything in order, so clean and the food is on the table?"

    (S): "Oh that!? Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said: "Bitch! Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

  18. #58
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    First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor began the lecture by telling them:

    "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

    To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "

    Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation."

    "I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

  19. #59
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    A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

    The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

    "How did YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

    "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

    "What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

    "Absolutely."

    "Well... let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

    That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

    "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

    "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

    "PAY you? and if I refuse?"

    "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

    "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

    "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

  20. #60
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    A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

    His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

    The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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