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Thread: Just for laughs

  1. #21
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    Talking HOpe you folks don't mind images...



    If you think your job sucks....


    missing Santa found




    Try reading the new names..

  2. #22
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    Default Heroic Act

    John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
    One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool
    and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

    David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

    The medical director came to know of David's heroic act.

    He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you!

    The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.

    The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom
    and died after all.

    David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself.
    I hung him there to dry."

  3. #23

    Default Some of you may have read it before, any here goes

    Difference between panties of 1970s and 2000s
    1970s - you have to pull down the panties to see the buttocks,
    2000s - you have to seperate the buttocks to see the panties.

  4. #24
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    Default

    a.. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
    elementary school
    for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
    made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
    watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
    large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,"Take
    all you want. God is watching the apples."



    a.. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
    said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
    though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little
    girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
    it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven
    I will ask Jonah".
    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
    "Then you ask him".



    a.. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
    to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
    nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's
    Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
    She's dead."

  5. #25
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    Default

    Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

    Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

    "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

    The philosopher then stepped up and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on "Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
    "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

    The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper disappeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
    "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

    The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

    The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
    "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my S-hole."

    The idiot went to Heaven.

  6. #26
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    Default

    This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

    About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I got to try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

    The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an a.s.s.h.o.l.e when you're drunk."

  7. #27
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    Default

    Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

    The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

    The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

    The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

    The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with durians."

  8. #28
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    Default

    A Marine pulled into a little town and every hotel room was taken.

    "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

    "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

    The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

    "Never better."

    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

    "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me while I sleep like a baby."

  9. #29
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    Default

    NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.

    NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic Jam.

    NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Asians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush into a Seven-Eleven, grab the nearest pack, any brand also can, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye

    NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple

    NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints, they start swearing at everything...

    NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(MEN): Food Poisoning.

    NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(WOMEN): Menstrual Pain.

    NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, got early appointment, food not digested yet, aircon not cold enough, aircon too cold, nail polish not dried yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depressed, no mood, etc.


    NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: None. Asian men never refuse sex.

    NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol. The "cure for all". If it fails, we have another secret weapon..... Tiger Balm.

    NATIONAL CURE FOR D! IZZINESS : Minyak Angin Cap Kapak (Axe oil).

    NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): Happy Hours.

    NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): The sight of a police road block.

    NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

    NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thought, why bother pronouncing Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always Mee Lo, now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't be embarrassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "rangutan".

    NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Bra-less Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets.
    Last edited by Lucifer; 2nd March 2005 at 11:35 PM.

  10. #30
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    Default

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

    To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.




    The Russians used a pencil.

  11. #31
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    Default

    Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

    The bar gets quiet as everyone turns to them, listens and see what the other guy will do. The first guy again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

    The other guy says, "Go home, dad. You're drunk."

  12. #32
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    Default

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.

    "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I
    suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

  13. #33
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    Default

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

  14. #34
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    Default

    A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

    20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

    "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

    The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

    After reaching the point of no return, the guy then says, "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

  15. #35
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    Default

    A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked round the delivery room and saw the doctor.

    "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why,yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

    He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

    He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

    The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!?"

  16. #36
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    A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

    The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
    So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

    The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

    The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

  17. #37
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    PC Women

    HARD-DISK Woman:
    She remembers everything, FOREVER.

    RAM Woman:
    She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

    WINDOWS Woman:
    Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

    EXCEL Woman:
    They say, she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

    SCREENSAVER Woman:
    She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

    INTERNET Woman:
    Difficult to access.

    SERVER Woman:
    Always busy when you need her.

    MULTIMEDIA Woman:
    She makes horrible things look beautiful.

    CD-ROM Woman:
    She is always faster and faster.

    E-MAIL Woman:
    Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

    VIRUS Woman:
    Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her, you are lost.

    Bad Cluster Women :
    Women who will get angry after reading these.......

  18. #38
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    Default

    A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

    The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

    He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child, "said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

    The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

  19. #39
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    A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

    Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

    The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

    In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says,"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

    Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship,not me." The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

  20. #40
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    A man was not really happy about his manhood. It was actually too long, 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to a witch to ask for advice.

    The witch thought for a long time before she said: Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it wants to marry you.If it says "no" your manhood will shrink with 10cm, but if it says "yes" it will grow 10cm so the risk is yours.

    The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: "Will you marry me little frog?"

    "No", said the frog.

    The man ran home and measured his manhood. Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again. "Will you marry me little frog?"

    "No", said the frog.

    The man ran home and measured his manhood. Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm. The man was thinking, "20cm, that would be the perfect size." and ran back into the forest.He met the frog again and asked him again "Will you marry me little frog?"

    The frog answered him: "Sweet Jesus! What is wrong with you? I already told you NO! NO! NO!"

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