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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #141
    Moderator catchlights's Avatar
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    Sep 2004
    Punggol, Singapore

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by yqt View Post
    A CSer wrote the following to the Admin of CS:

    Dear Admin
    How do I change my nick in CS?

    CS Admin:
    Why do you want to chnage your Nick?

    I intro a newbie to CS and now he's always on CS.

    CS Admin:
    That's a good thing, I don't see why you want to change your nick because of that .

    It's not a good thing as he's my boss and now he PM me to get offline when I'm surfing CS during office hours.
    Please help.
    use invisible mode helps.
    Shoot to Live, Live to Shoot | iStock portfolio

  2. #142
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Talking Clock.

    A drunk is proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
    In the bedroom, they are surprised to see a giant Chinese brass gong next to the bed.
    "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" asks one of the guests.
    "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replies.
    "A talking clock? Seriously?" asks his astonished friend.
    "Yup," replies the drunk.
    "How's it work?" the friend asks, squinting at it.
    "Watch," says the drunk, picks up the mallet and gives the gong an ear-shattering pound.
    The three look at one another for a moment.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams,
    "You a$$hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  3. #143
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

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    Travel (Have you been there ... ?)

    I have been in many places, but ....

    . I've never been in Cahoots.
    Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    • I've also never been in Cognito.
    I hear no one recognizes you there.

    • I have, however, been in Sane.
    They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.

    • I would like to go to Conclusions,
    but you have to jump, and I'm not too keen on physical activity anymore.

    • I have also been in Doubt.
    That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

    • I've been in Flexible,
    but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    • Sometimes I'm in Capable,
    and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    • One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
    It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    • And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible,
    but life shows me I am not.

    • People keep telling me I'm in Denial,
    but I'm positive I've never been there before!

    • So far, I haven't been in Continent,
    but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  4. #144
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

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    Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

    They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

    The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
    They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a 'drop-dead-gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

    As the blonde passed them she smiled and said:
    'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
    They were both stunned.
    How in the world did she know they were priests?
    So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more-outrageous outfits.

    These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
    and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said: 'Just a minute, young lady.'

    'Yes, Father?'

    'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

    'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!!!
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  5. #145
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

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    A Tough Harley Guy ....

    A truly heart-warming story................ don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!

    On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped.

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

    She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

    After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  6. #146
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

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    The Power of Higher Education

    Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

    The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  7. #147

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

    "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

    "Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

    Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

  8. #148

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

    So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

    So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

  9. #149

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

    When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour?”
    April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good!” and April fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

    And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

  10. #150

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

    He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

    Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

    George said, “Okay.”

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

  11. #151

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

    The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"

    Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

    "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

    "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

    "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

    "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

    "GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."

    "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

    "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

    That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

    "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

    "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

    "PAY you? and if I refuse?"

    "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

    "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

    "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

  12. #152
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    In cat's stomach

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    Molly: What's the difference between angry and raging?
    Pete: Let me show you.

    They walk to the nearest public phone, and Pete picks a random number from the phone book and calls.
    Pete: Hi, can you get Ricky for me?
    Man from the other side: I think you got the wrong number. There's no one named Ricky here.
    Pete apologizes and hangs up.

    Few seconds later, Pete calls the same number again.
    Pete: Hiya, buddy. Can you get Ricky for me?
    Man from the other side: I thought I just told you that there's no one with that name here.
    Pete apologizes and hangs up.

    Few seconds later, Pete calls the same number again.
    Pete: Look, buddy. I really need to speak with Ricky.
    Man from the other side: Are you deaf? I told you there's no one with that f$%king name here!
    The phone was slammed down before Pete had a chance to apologize.

    Calmly, Pete turn to Molly and say: That is angry. Now I'll show you what is raging.
    Few seconds later, Pete calls the same number again and say: This is Ricky, anyone look for me?
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  13. #153
    Member Deyeno's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

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    The Blind Cashier

    A woman goes into Harrods in London to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

    She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44," he says.
    "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

    As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did you get to £58.50?"

    He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
    40D|BG-E2N|24-105L F4.0 IS USM |70-200L F2.8 IS USM

  14. #154

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    amazingly simple home remedies:

    1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

    2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

    3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

    6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

    Daily thought:

    Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

  15. #155

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Minors please be warned the next joke is kind of crude (i am just reposting... )

    woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
    He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
    She slams the door in disgust.
    The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
    She slams the door again.
    Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
    The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
    The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
    The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the ******* is going with it.'
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

    'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

    The man replies..
    'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

  16. #156

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

    "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

    Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

  17. #157

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

    One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

    Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

  18. #158

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

    Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

    "Wow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

    "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

  19. #159

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

    First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

    He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

    The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

    So the bath maid takes his pecker and balls and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his balls... causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

  20. #160

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    that's a really different way to use Karate to wax on , wax off...hmm~

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