Human beings get rich as they grow old. Why?
- silver in their hair
- gold in their teeth
- sugar in their blood
- precious stones in their kidneys
and most of all... a never ending supply of gas!
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed.
But it's not my fault that they did not have Windows.
-- Will Farrel.
Confucius Did Not Say:
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Why English is so hard to learn (Or is it?)
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farmer used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
-The Language of Language, A Linguistics Course for Starters (Madalena Cruz-Ferreira; Sunita Anne Abraham)
莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…
A comedian and his ventriloquist dummy are entertaining a bunch of hillbillies in an Arkansas tavern cracking all kinds of hillbilly jokes when all of a sudden a giant fellow in the audience stands up and says, "I'm not appreciatin' these here jokes cause not all of us hillbillies are stupid like that." The comedian apologized to the man profusely and agreed to cut it out. The man replied "Uh I don't mean you I'm talking to that smart ass setting on your knee there."
Expand your mind or get left behind
A cannibal went hunting with his young son.
First, they caught a thin guy. Dad said "Son, this guy has no meat. Let him go."
Next, they caught a fat guy. Dad told his son, "Too much fat! Bad for health! Let him go."
Finally, they caught a beautiful young lady. Dad exclaims, "This one is a keeper! Come, we need to get home now, and cook your mum."
Lost in translation: Hotel always is pleased to accept adultery
By eTN Managing Editor
Created 11 Apr 2014 - 6:01am
Elisabeth Lang, eTN International Correspondent
Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated into English as only locals or computers can:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
Our restaurant menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Qingming is around the corner...
Yesterday I went to buy joss sticks and joss paper to pray for my ancestors.
The towkay asked me if I want to buy paper iphone to burn for my ancestors. I said they know how to use or not? He said Steve Jobs already there, can teach them to use. I said ok loh.
He asked want to buy casing? I also said ok.
Next he asked me if I wanted Bluetooth? I said might as well loh.
What about charger? I said need charger meh? He said of course lah, after battery no power how? So I bought the charger also.
Then I asked for his name card. He said why you need my name card? I said I burn for my ancestors. For warranty claim, they will contact you direct.
During the Japanese occupation of Malaya, they caught three locals that were suspected spies. The Japanese Kempeitai wanted to torture them. So they asked them to bring into 10 numbers of local fruits.
The first guy brought in 10 rambutans. The Kempeitai proceeded to shove them up his a*se. But at the third rambutan, it was so ticklish that the prisoner broke out in laughter. The Kempeitai shot him dead.
The second guy brought in 10 long-ans. The Kempeitai proceeded to shove them up his a*se. It was going well but at the final long-an, the prisoner suddenly broke out in laughter. The Kempeitai shot him dead.
These two dead fellows met in heaven. The first guy asked the second guy, "one more long-an and you would have made it. Why did you laugh?"
The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it... I saw the third guy entering the room with 10 durians..."
A man died and went to heaven.
St. Peter met him and gave him three choices:
"If you have been faithful to your spouse, you may have a Mercedes and ride around heaven in luxury.
If you occasionally strayed, you take a Toyota.
If you were a slut, be honest, take the bicycle."
The man said sincerely "Indeed, I was the most faithful of husband. I am entitled to the Mercedes."
"Very well," said St. Pete.
The man went around heaven happily driving the Mercedes.
But when he came back, he was in tears.
St. Peter was surprised, and asked him what happened.
The man replied, "I saw my wife riding around in a bicycle."
Ronnie Corbett's best jokes. RIP Ronnie.
A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.
For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.
This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.
French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.
West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.
We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
A man was telling his mate: "My wife's credit was stolen last month."
"Wow!" said his friend, "I hope you made a police report."
The man said, "Nah... Finally, the credit card spending is at a lower level."
R Rated Blond Joke
One blond prostitute said to the other "do you smoke after sex?"
The other blond prostitute answered "I don't know I have never looked."
Expand your mind or get left behind
One old man showed up at Toyota showroom, took out $2000 and told the salesman, "Give me a Camry."
The salesman was shocked and said, "Uncle, your money not enough."
The uncle raised his voice and said, "Look at your advertisement outside, it's written as Camry 2000."
The salesman calmly replied, "Uncle, you go out turn right to next door showroom, it's much cheaper, BMW 525."
Seen this on facebook.
Use two cows to describe the different type of photographers
I eats, shoots & leaves