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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #441

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    No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED". Some people say there is no difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED", but there is.

    When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE" and when you marry the wrong woman, you are "FINISHED" ! When your wife catches you with another woman, you are "COMPLETELY FINISHED" and when your wife likes shopping so much, you are "FINISHED COMPLETELY !!!"

  2. #442
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread



    (Sorry, the joke plays on a pun of a Chinese word, so can't really translate it.)

  3. #443
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread


  4. #444
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Chinese poetry (sorry, impossible to translate - play on too many puns and Chinese phrases)

    一位秀才新婚,洞房之夜后,众兄弟来拜访,大家问他感觉如何?

    他起身摇扇吟唱道:「一字言浅, 那我用一字成语来形容 ... 。」

    秀才遂立而曰:昨夜『春宵一刻』, 小弟以『一技之长』、『一柱擎天』 之势, 『一马当先』,『一拍即合』,『一炮而红』,『一鼓作气』, 『一气呵成』,『一鸣惊人』,『一泻千里』,真是『一夕缠绵』, 『一夜风流』是也!

    大家转问大嫂感觉又如何? 只见她好哀怨地唱道:「听他『一派胡言』! 那只是『一场春梦』!他本是『一筹莫展』,我助他『一臂之力』,但『一波三折』,非『一蹴可及』,只见他『 一事无成』,我就『一手掌握』、『一口咬定』,而他『一触即发』、『一瞬即逝』,『一落千丈』,『一败涂地 』,他一下子就『奄奄一息』,简直『一无是处』,如此『多此一举』,不如『一刀两断』

  5. #445

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    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  6. #446
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    TWO COWS

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive...

    A SINGAPORE CORPORATION
    You can't afford any cows
    because the Certificate of Entitlement for one cow costs more than the price of 5 cows in other countries.
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  7. #447

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxshade View Post
    A SINGAPORE CORPORATION
    You can't afford any cows
    because the Certificate of Entitlement for one cow costs more than the price of 5 cows in other countries.
    You have 2 cows, and everyone is waiting for the one on the left to slap the one on the right and take over the spot

  8. #448
    Moderator Octarine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Foxshade View Post
    A SINGAPORE CORPORATION
    You can't afford any cows
    because the Certificate of Entitlement for one cow costs more than the price of 5 cows in other countries.
    You have two cows. Your neighbours are complaining about the noise and the smell and asking the relevant authorities to take actions. NEA and AVA are uncertain who is responsible. MCYS/MSF is asking whether they can rent the cows for the Kampung Spirit events for Bovine-based Social Enrichment (BSE).
    EOS

  9. #449

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    Quote Originally Posted by Octarine View Post
    Bovine-based Social Enrichment (BSE).
    are you sure you're not referring to Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy ?

    anyway
    A SINGAPORE SME
    You have two citizen cows.
    One is called Cow-Bear
    The other one is called Cow-Bull.

    While Cow-Bear is away on Reservist, HR Manager subcontracts his job to Cheaper Faster Cow based elsewhere
    Cow-Bull goes on with work and discovers Cheaper Faster Cow is not "Better Cow" and has to do 1.5 times workload compared to last time. Cow-Bull leaves the SME and the country, being labelled as a quitter. Union officers claim Cow-Bull is lazy and Cow-Bear was absent too often.
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  10. #450
    Moderator Octarine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shizuma View Post
    are you sure you're not referring to Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy ?
    Oh, I thought irony is nothing alien to you
    Last edited by Octarine; 22nd February 2014 at 03:33 PM.
    EOS

  11. #451

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Now that is a joke

    NZ have more cows than humans

    New Zealanders outnumbered by cows
    National statistics office survey shows there are 1.5 million more cows than humans

    http://www.theguardian.com/world/201...ber-population
    I eats, shoots & leaves

  12. #452
    Moderator Octarine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yutaka Go View Post
    Now that is a joke
    NZ have more cows than humans
    So statistically the joke is nearly correct if we take away kids and older folks
    Statistics New Zealand's agricultural production survey, released today, reported that the cows' numbers soared to 5.8 million in 2009. New Zealand has a human population of 4.3 million.
    EOS

  13. #453

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    A New Zealand Corporation
    You have two hundreds thousands cows.
    That produce more cow dung than your two thousands employees can handle :bsmile:

  14. #454

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

  15. #455

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Yutaka Go View Post
    NZ have more cows than humans
    People eat cows that's why we need more of them (but I have no idea how many cows a single person eat in a year). We can't legally eat human, yet.
    [This space is available for rent]

  16. #456
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    What's the difference between Outlaws and In-Laws?

    - Outlaws are wanted....

    credit to Pope Francis.
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  17. #457
    Senior Member oceanpriest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Two scientists walk into a bar

    The first scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of H2O”

    The second scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of water too. Wh… why did you say H2O? Like, I know it’s the chemical formula for water and all, but it’s the end of the day and there’s really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work”

    The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

  18. #458

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    German scientists dug 50 meters down in the ground and discovered small pieces of copper.
    After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone copper wire network.

    The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass.
    They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber optics network.

    The Malaysian govt decided that they also Boleh. They dug 50 meters, found nothing. 100 meters also nothing. 200 meters underground, they still found absolutely nothing.
    They thought for a while, then happily announced that Malaysia 50,000 years ago had already gone wireless!!
    MALAYSIA BOLEH !!!!
    Nikon D750; FM2; FG; 55mm Micro Nikkor; 28-300 VR; 70-200 VR; Nikon V1 + 10-30mm

  19. #459
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by oceanpriest View Post
    Two scientists walk into a bar

    The first scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of H2O”

    The second scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of water too. Wh… why did you say H2O? Like, I know it’s the chemical formula for water and all, but it’s the end of the day and there’s really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work”

    The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
    Wow... Nerd joke.

    For those who failed chemistry (like myself):
    If 2nd scientist says "H2O too" (H2O2) It'll be Hydrogen peroxide. Something you find in bleach, and is toxic.
    Last edited by Foxshade; 27th February 2014 at 01:18 PM.
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  20. #460
    Senior Member oceanpriest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A programmer's wife tells him: 'Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.' The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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