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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #361
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread


    Doctor's Code of Conduct


    As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  2. #362
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Blonde Gal Again


    A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar in London, England by mistake.

    He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given you are blind, to tell you you're in a girls biker bar and you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously "Mister", do you still wanna tell that joke? "

    The blind man thinks for a minute, sighs, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, it's a good joke but not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  3. #363
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread


    Subject: Philosophy


    If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  4. #364
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Success Story of a Wall Street Chuck


    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

    Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

    Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

    The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

    Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

    Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'

    Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

    Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

    Chuck now works on Wall Street.
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  5. #365
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Doctor and his Watch


    The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are, " he said. "You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.

    The cop replied, "Don't you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!"

    "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the doctor....... "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  6. #366
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread


    Make Sure He is DEAD


    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?"

    The operator, in calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  7. #367
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    A Christian Bear


    AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    "What majestic trees!"
    "What powerful rivers!"
    "What beautiful animals!"
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

    He tripped and fell on the ground.

    He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well", said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  8. #368
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread


    Smart Watson


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

    "And what do you deduce from that?"

    Watson ponders for a minute.

    "Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone stole our tent!"
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  9. #369

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Halfmoon View Post

    Smart Watson


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
    did they go camping on Brokeback Mountain?
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  10. #370
    Senior Member madmartian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Halfmoon View Post

    Subject: Philosophy


    If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
    Still wrong coz he has split personality
    Take the shot!

  11. #371
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    I enjoyed reading this thread very much!!!. Thanks to all the contributors.

  12. #372
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Halfmoon View Post

    Subject: Philosophy


    If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
    The man is wrong in all multiverses and in all concept of time-space - quantum or relativistic.

  13. #373

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Halfmoon View Post

    Smart Watson


    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone stole our tent!"
    good one, lol.
    Objection !!!

  14. #374

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by UncleFai View Post
    LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
    Objection !!!

  15. #375

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    the robot one, my god, good one.......sell me leh...
    Objection !!!

  16. #376
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Shizuma View Post
    did they go camping on Brokeback Mountain?
    Eh.... shhh..... we are not suppose to ask....
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  17. #377
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by madmartian View Post
    Still wrong coz he has split personality
    Woman is ALWAYS RIGHT.... Law of the cosmic?
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  18. #378
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by UncleFai View Post
    The man is wrong in all multiverses and in all concept of time-space - quantum or relativistic.
    Ok.. so what make it women is always right?
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

  19. #379
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    What is the most auspicious illness to get this year?

    A HOARSE voice.

  20. #380
    Senior Member Halfmoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Little Johnny

    So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you$50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

    After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother ****er! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
    Art is perception; Perception is art.

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