Page 13 of 34 FirstFirst ... 3811121314151823 ... LastLast
Results 241 to 260 of 675

Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #241

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

    They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

    The next day they meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

    The second friend says, "I fared better, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

    The third friend says, "That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came and I wiped my dick in the curtain and she is still screaming!"

  2. #242

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Three men; a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and George Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

    "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

    With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

    Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state."

    Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

    George Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

    The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

    George Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it up with water!"

  3. #243
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    4,239

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    From 987FM Muttons on the Move...

    A lady boarded a bus with her child.

    The bus driver remarked, "Is that your child? Boy is she ugly!"

    The lady was stunned and as she moved to the back of the bus, the angrier she got.

    A guy sitting next to her realized how upset she was, and asked her "what's the problem lady?"

    "The bus driver just insulted me! I am so upset!"

    The guy replied, "You should go and get his name - it is on his name tag. And then call the number pasted in the front to launch an official complaint."

    The lady was not so sure... she was hesitating.

    The guy said, "Don't let such a a-hole get off likely with insulting you. Here, you go up front to get the details, I will hold your monkey for you."

  4. #244

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor
    was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do
    you stay in such great physical condition?'

    'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is
    why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out
    golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee dram of whisky, and that's it.'

    'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be
    more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

    'Who said my Dad died?'

    The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is
    still alive? How old is he?'

    He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
    wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
    and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a
    Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more
    to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he
    died?'

    'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
    grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

    The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went
    golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

    At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
    Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

    'Who said he wanted to?'

    (Source: PPRUNE)
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  5. #245
    Senior Member bonrya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    In a mobile cage
    Posts
    2,633

    Default

    What did the goat say to the chicken when it saw the chicken cross the road?

    Nothing. Goats can't speak.
    My Flickr
    ~Neko baka

  6. #246

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    but cats can speak. they say "meow".

    Last edited by Shizuma; 12th March 2013 at 06:33 PM. Reason: img url did not display properly
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  7. #247

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

    The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
    'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
    'Yes I am' replies the drunk,

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

    'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

    The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
    He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
    'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
    The drunk again answers,
    'No, I have not found Jesus.'

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
    When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
    The preacher asks the drunk again,

    'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
    'Are you sure this is where He fell in?'

    (yes, the Bible is against getting drunk, too. see Book of Proverbs)
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  8. #248
    Senior Member bonrya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    In a mobile cage
    Posts
    2,633

    Default

    Why did the psychiatrists diagnose the sheep with depression?

    Because everytime something amazing happened, while the other animals would be awed with ooos and aahs, the sheep would only go "meh."
    My Flickr
    ~Neko baka

  9. #249

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    funny gifs....


  10. #250

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    funny gifs....


  11. #251

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    funny gifs....


  12. #252

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    funny gifs....


  13. #253

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    funny gifs....


  14. #254

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Objection !!!

  15. #255

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
    The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off.

    He told them."We have reached ".
    The 1st guy gave him money the 2nd guy said "thank you".
    The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
    The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
    But he asked "what is that for?".
    The 3rd guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!".

  16. #256

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
    She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

    Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

    "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me," he replied.

  17. #257

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    *Get behind me, Satan!*

    Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought from Takashimaya.
    "How could you do this?!"

    "I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

    "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

    "I did," replied his wife,"

    but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!' "


    footnote: yes Satan is cunning. May the Lord provide for this pastor
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  18. #258

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    (Shizuma: what! why so long no new jokes! Clubsnap dying of cynicism and depression. civil minded fellow forummers must post jokes regularly okay! )

    Wonderful English from Around the World (I don't doubt it's been done before)

    In a Bangkok Temple:
    IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

    Cocktail lounge, Norway:
    LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

    Doctor's office, Rome:
    SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

    Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
    DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

    In a Nairobi restaurant:
    CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

    On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
    TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

    On a poster at Kencom:
    ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

    In a City restaurant:
    OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

    In a Cemetery:
    PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

    Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
    GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

    On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
    OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

    In a Tokyo Bar:
    SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

    Hotel, Yugoslavia:
    THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    Hotel, Japan:
    YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
    YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Hotel, Zurich:
    BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
    WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

    Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
    WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

    A Laundry in Rome:
    LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

    And finally the all time classic...
    Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
    IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  19. #259

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Shizuma View Post
    (Shizuma: what! why so long no new jokes! Clubsnap dying of cynicism and depression. civil minded fellow forummers must post jokes regularly okay! )
    Or pictures... but lately the P&P forum is also depressing
    Ok joking only..

  20. #260

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by hanzohattori View Post
    Or pictures... but lately the P&P forum is also depressing
    Ok joking only..
    Critique corner most depressing.
    But Services Wanted is sometimes kind of hilarious.
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

Page 13 of 34 FirstFirst ... 3811121314151823 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •