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Thread: Jokes Thread

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  2. #222
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Me Leica !

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    Senior Member oceanpriest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

  4. #224
    Senior Member bonrya's Avatar
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    Can I use an old monty python joke?

    supposed to be the most lethal joke on earth:

    Man A: My dog was born without a nose.
    Man B: Then how does he smell?
    Man A: Bad!

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  5. #225
    Senior Member oceanpriest's Avatar
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    I heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed, life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears."But doctor" He says, "I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. — Rorschach

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    Senior Member bonrya's Avatar
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    Two men walked into a bar. But it was supposed to be a three guy bar joke so they had a couple of drinks while they waited for their friend to arrive.

    By the time the third guy arrived they were so drunk it wasn't funny anymore.
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  7. #227
    Senior Member madmartian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by bonrya View Post
    Two men walked into a bar. But it was supposed to be a three guy bar joke so they had a couple of drinks while they waited for their friend to arrive.

    By the time the third guy arrived they were so drunk it wasn't funny anymore.
    This was the third guy & it explains why he was late.......................


    Take the shot!

  8. #228

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    a man walked into a bar . the second ducked in time.
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  9. #229

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    security forces in Red Land carpet bombed a rebel occupied cemetery this morning. they found 1000 bodies and counting , so far
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  10. #230

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shizuma View Post
    security forces in Red Land carpet bombed a rebel occupied cemetery this morning. they found 1000 bodies and counting , so far
    Hehehehehe.

  11. #231
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    News for Adam and Eve

    One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

    "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

    Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

    Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

    Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

    God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

    Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

    Eve looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

    Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children."

    Eve, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

    God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless."
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

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    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Professor of Dirty Jokes

    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
    After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
    “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  13. #233
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

    The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

    The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

    But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  14. #234
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

    The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

    Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

    The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

    "One," said the young salesman.

    "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

    "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

    "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

    "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

    I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

    "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  15. #235
    Senior Member raydio's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Francis247 View Post
    A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

    The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

    Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

    The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

    "One," said the young salesman.

    "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

    "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

    "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

    "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

    I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

    "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
    Ha ha... good one!

  16. #236

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Two geckos were climbing up a wall. One lost its footing and dropped to the ground.

    What did the remaining gecko say?
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    It looked down and said "tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk " (usual gecko sound)

    ha. ha. ha. (sorry cold joke ya)
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  17. #237
    Moderator catchlights's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Francis247 View Post
    News for Adam and Eve

    .........
    that explains why some guys seldom use their brain when photographing girls with little clothes on...........
    Shoot to Live, Live to Shoot
    www.benjaminloo.com | iStock portfolio

  18. #238

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    (R) rated!








    A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

    Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

    A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his manhood.

    She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

  19. #239

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    The Price You Pay For Being Good

    3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

    The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

    The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

    The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

    Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

    He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

  20. #240

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

    After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

    "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

    After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

    The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

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