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Thread: Jokes Thread

  1. #201
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    Once, there was an excellent CEO who is stepping down from his corporation.

    His in-coming successor asked him what is the secret to his success.

    The out-going CEO simply passed him 2 sealed envelopes and said to him, "When you run into any trouble in managing the corporation. Open up the first envelope, that will help you. If you still run into further problem. Open up the second envelope."

    So the new CEO runs the corporation and really within a few years, he ran into trouble in managing the corporation.

    So he opened up the first envelope. The letter says, "For any misdeed or problem, put the blame on him (the pre-successor)."

    That works like a charm and all appeared alright...

    However, after a few more years, the corporation ran into trouble again and the CEO decided to open up the second envelope...

    Upon opening up the envelope, the letter says, "Now, write 2 letters and pass it to the next fellow..."
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  2. #202
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    HOW TO START A FIGHT:You men be warned.....

    The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
    Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's when the fight started....

    ______________________________

    The Unreasonable Wife

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
    while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The Humour-less Wife

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The Mis-informed Wife

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
    she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The Dangerous Wife

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day,
    I found her seated in the tall grass,
    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    The Lazy Wife

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The Humourless Husband

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
    and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph,
    so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
    and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into
    the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
    "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
    husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The well rounded Wife

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And that's when the fight started....

    ________________________________

    The Soft Husband

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
    she processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
    You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And that's when the fight started....
    ________________________________

    The Masochistic Husband

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And that's when the fight started....
    Last edited by Francis247; 25th December 2012 at 09:21 PM.
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  3. #203
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    IT jokes

    Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Desktop”.
    Customer: “OK”.
    Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”.
    Customer: “No”.
    Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
    Customer: “No”.
    Tech Support: “OK , sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”.
    Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’”.
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  4. #204
    Moderator catchlights's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    IT jokes 2

    Tech Support: “Please hit any key to proceed.”
    Customer: “OK”.
    Tech Support: “Did you notice any changes?”
    Customer: “wait”.
    Tech Support: “OK. but it shouldn't take so long”
    Customer: “just a minute”.
    Tech Support: “Sir, please hit any key to proceed.
    Customer: “Errr.... I still can't find a key written with ANY on it’”.
    Shoot to Live, Live to Shoot
    www.benjaminloo.com | iStock portfolio

  5. #205
    Senior Member bonrya's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    Two girls walked into a boutique, shopping for dresses for an upcoming party.

    "wow, you two really look alike! Are you twins?" The shopkeeper came up to them.
    "no, we're just really fat"
    My Flickr
    ~Neko baka

  6. #206
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Circus Audition

    A woman comes home and tells her husband,
    "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

    His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
    "I do not Have a Headache;
    I do not have a headache,
    I do not have a headache.."

    It Worked! The headaches are all gone.."

    The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

    His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

    The husband agrees to try it

    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

    He puts her on the bed and says,
    "Don't move, I'll be right back."

    He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

    The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
    He goes back into the bathroom,
    Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

    The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

    Her husband again says,
    "Don't move, I'll be right back."
    With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

    This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
    She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
    "She's not my Wife.
    She's Not my wife.
    She's not my wife..."

    His funeral service will be held next Monday!
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  7. #207

    Default Jokes Thread

    intermission post to change thread title back on track
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  8. #208
    Member Foxshade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    IT Joke - real life

    Excerpt from my COY helpdesk cases.
    Names has been omitted.
    Here it goes:


    xxxxx - Creator

    IT,

    I'm unable to read or write to DVD


    Regards,
    xxxxx


    ================================================== ============
    xxxxx - IT assingee

    Checked DVD drivers. - No error message
    Tested remotely with user, Error message: Unable to read disc.
    Tried inserting other discs with same result.

    Need to send down new DVD Drive.


    ================================================== ============
    xxxxx - IT assingnee

    Replaced DVD drive, asked user to test.
    Noticed user inserted disc upside down.

    advise user on how to insert the disc correctly.

    Suspect user inserted the disc wrongly on old DVD drive.

    Test old dvd drive - Old DVD drive is OK.
    New DVD drive sent back to HQ.
    A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words.
    ~Ansel Adams

  9. #209

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Foxshade View Post
    IT Joke - real life

    Excerpt from my COY helpdesk cases.
    Not as bad as when I was an intern in a SME IT company (actually a system integrator).

    The network laser printer went down and could not be seen on any part of the network. We (meaning, 2 interns and 3 fully fledged engineers) tried to ping it, read all the manuals, checked the power connections, pressed the test page buttons, etc. Everything was working, but the printer was still missing.

    After 2 weeks we discovered the Ethernet Cable (aka LAN cable) leading out from the printer was not connected into any hub or switch :S
    *clap hands*
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  10. #210

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Two surgeons are sitting in the George V hotel lobby discussing effective diagnosis by observation of patients. One says to the other: "see that chap walking there with his legs apart ? Bet he's got a nasty case of haemorhoids". "No, my dear chap" says the other, "clearly he's suffering from an ingenual hernia".

    As the chap staggers by one of the surgeons says "excuse me, my good man, we are both surgeons and to settle a bet, we were wondering what the medical condition is from which you are clearly suffering - do you have piles or is it a rupture ?"

    "Neither" says the man, "I just got my bill for a week's stay here and I sh*t myself".
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  11. #211

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
    ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

    The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

    ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

    ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

    If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

    Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

    Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’
    The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

    -- Credits: Pprune JetBlast
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  12. #212
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A son asked his father: "Daddy, can you explain to me what is politics?"

    After some careful thought, the father replied:

    "Well, son, I earned all the money in this family, I am therefore a capitalist.

    Your mum has all the powers in this family, she is the government.

    You, son, are our people.

    Your nanny is the poor working class.

    And your baby brother... well, he is the future!"

    The son was still not very sure. But nonetheless, he went to bed.

    That night, his baby brother cried and cried. The son woke up and discovered that the baby brother has very badly soiled his diapers.

    In panic, he went to his parent's room. He found only his mother sound asleep and his dad was not around. Despite his plead, he could not wake up his slumbering mother.

    On the way back to his room, disappointed, he heard noise in his nanny's room. In fact, he found that it was locked. Peeping through the keyhole, he saw his dad humping his nanny.

    The next morning, the boy was very excited. He sought out his dad and exclaimed, "Dad! I finally understood what politics is all about!!!"

    His dad went "huh?"

    The son continued with his explanation:

    "The capitalist is screwing the poor working class!

    The government is sound asleep!

    The poeple is totally ignored!

    And the future is in DEEP S H I T!"

    The father fainted.

  13. #213
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Welcome to the 21st Century!!

    Our communication - Wireless
    Our phones - Cordless
    Our cooking - Fireless
    Our food - Fatless
    Our Sweets - Sugarless
    Our labor - Effortless
    Our relations - Fruitless
    Our attitude - Careless
    Our feelings - Heartless
    Our politics - Shameless
    Our education - Worthless
    Our Mistakes - Countless
    Our arguments - Baseless
    Our youth - Jobless
    Our Ladies - Topless
    Our Boss - Brainless
    Our Jobs - Thankless
    Our Needs - Endless
    Our situation - Hopeless
    Our Salaries - Less and less
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  14. #214
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    The Spoon
    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Samy's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

    Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

    'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  15. #215
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

    "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

    God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

    Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

    God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

    Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  16. #216
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    CONDOM/COFFIN

    Q: What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
    A: One you cum in, and one you go in, but you have to be stiff to get into either of them.
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  17. #217
    Moderator Francis247's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    EAR CONDOMS

    Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex?

    A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.
    莫问前程有愧,只求今生无悔. Time pasts, Places changed, Beauty faded, what is left are Photos of Memories…

  18. #218

  19. #219

    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Francis247 View Post
    CONDOM/COFFIN

    Q: What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
    A: One you cum in, and one you go in, but you have to be stiff to get into either of them.
    What's the similarity...?
    宁愿遇见丢失幼崽的母熊,也不愿碰上做蠢事的愚人

  20. #220
    Senior Member UncleFai's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes Thread

    A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello.

    He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?"



    She replies, “No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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